Of Train Wrecks and Wagons

Usually when something happens to someone in a negative way, you would say something like, "oh, that person is a train wreck", "they completely derailed", or "they fell off the wagon".

But sometimes...it's none of those things.

If you think about it, all of the above happen suddenly, completely, and often without warning.  But not all things...even negative things (and sometimes especially negative things)...happen suddenly.  Sometimes, it can be a gradual shift.

Years ago, Keith and I decided to go exploring to find a remote local waterfall.  To get to it required navigating an extremely steep gully that we basically had to slide on our feet and butts to get down, holding on to tree branches, bushes, and patches of grass as we went.  As hard as it was to get down, life got really interesting on the way back up, when every few steps had us sliding back, reaching for anything to stop our descent before continuing to scrabble our way back up the slippery slope.

Sometimes, negative things happen like that.

I was so in the groove last year, I felt completely unshakeable.  My food was rock solid, my weight dropping slowly and steadily, and my physical fitness was improving more with every week.  I was running farther and faster than ever before, and I had even managed to finish out the year injury-free...a miracle in itself.  Even the holiday season didn't unseat me.  I was solid.  I was strong.

(climb that slope, sister)

And then...winter.

Days and weeks of forced inactivity, due to being snowbound. Nothing to do but sleep, eat, and watch endless TV.  My spirit drooped, and the scale climbed....imperceptibly, at first, but it was there.

(slip)

With the change in the weather, my hopes changed. I had signed up for a 10k in March that I was eagerly looking forward to, but after being out of commission for the better part of two months, it was a mighty struggle to get back to a point where I could just finish the race at all.  Regardless, after only two weeks of training, I was able to hold my head up high enough to gain a PR out of it.

(grab a branch, hold your ground, inch your way back up a little)


Then my knee started acting up.  Not much at first, just a little griping after my run.  But then it got worse. Soon, it was griping after the first few steps. So I was forced to rest it.

(wobble)


I tried to start back a few times, tried to walk some, even,

(grab a bush, hold your ground)

but every time, my knee (and soon both my knees) would start griping.  And I would stop again. 

Then, the depression set in.

(slip)


More and more food started inching its way into my day, and soon, I couldn't bring myself to log it into MFP....the totals would depress me even more.  My waistline started expanding again, my clothes felt tighter, the scale screamed "failure!!" every time I stepped on it, so that stopped, too.


(slide)


And before I knew it...months had passed, and I had gained back 25 pounds.


The day I realized that I was purposely ignoring all my social media because I was so ashamed of how far I had fallen, and how uncomfortable I had once again become in my own skin is the day I decided to dig in my heels.  Just because I have slid a little ways, doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm not at the bottom of the gulley...in fact, I'm a long way from it. I'm much closer to the top than I am to the bottom.  There's no need to be so deeply depressed over this issue.

(Grab a tree, steady...STAND.)

Yes, I have a good way to go yet to reach my goal.  But reaching my goal was never the most important aspect of this journey...rather, it was learning how to reach it, and maintain it.  This is an ongoing process, and there are bound to be little slides here and there.  I've said often in the past year and a half that I didn't care how long it took me to get there, and I meant it. It may take me the rest of my life to 'achieve my goal'. The important part is that I not give up, because giving up and going back to the misery of my old life is not, nor will it ever be an option again.

So... where does all this leave me now?

Standing on a very slippery slope, not halfway down....but halfway up.  And determined as hell to get to the top.