Note to Self...

appy New Year!  There's something so special about new beginnings....it's like getting a brand new journal.  You get to write whatever you want in those beautiful blank pages. It's not about resolutions, it's about creating your own destiny. There's a lot of power in that.  This year, I'm going to do my best to tap into that power and write an amazing story...one with a truly happy ending. I'll let you know how it goes.

Right now, things aren't looking so hot. For all the hard work I put in during 2015, I've let it all come crashing down around me. I let go of my dream, lost sight of the vision I had for my life and my health. That's all it takes to lose it. If you have it, folks...don't let it go. Ever. 

This morning, I sat on my bed and looked at my reflection in the mirror across from me.  I saw a middle aged woman who was absolutely radiating misery.  At 292+ pounds, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I cannot imagine how people can go higher, how my skin could hold any more weight, how I could even function. Yet, every day you hear amazing, inspirational stories about someone who had (or in some cases still has) a much larger number on that scale. It's overwhelming to even contemplate.

One day, many days away from today, I'm going to be tempted to stop what I'm doing, to take a break from my routine, to cut myself some slack....just for a few days. Or maybe a month. Or two.  On that day, I want to be able to look back at this post and remind myself of what it's like to weigh 292 pounds.

· Having to sit up in stages when the alarm goes off because the lower back pain from laying in one position all night is agonizing.

· Being terrified of stepping into the shower, for fear of sliding/falling/breaking things. 

· Not being able to adequately reach your feet/back/god-knows-what to wash them properly without incredible strain.

· Having to buy stock in Gold Bond to keep the sweaty parts from turning into yeast infections.

· Not being able to step into your underwear because you can't lift your feet high enough.

· Not being able to fasten your bra without almost forcing your shoulders out of joint.

· Living with a grand total of two pairs of pants and four shirts for the better part of a year and a half, because you refuse to 'waste' money on anything that looks like Otto the Tentmaker whipped it up.

· Resigning yourself to the fact that no matter how much you spend, or how stylish the garment, anything you put on your body will ultimately still look like Otto made it.

· Buying tennis shoes that slip on because tying your shoes is impossible.

· Cramming yourself behind the steering wheel, and struggling to get the seat belt buckled.

· Dealing with constant sciatic pain, knee/hip pain and legs/feet losing circulation because of the constant pressure of just sitting.

· Struggling....actually having to contort your body into the weirdest possible positions....to attend to the most basic personal toilette.

· Getting seriously winded just walking from your desk to your car in the afternoon.

· Not caring what you eat, just as long as somebody else cooks it, because you have zero energy.

· Not being able to sit or kneel on the ground because you literally can not get back up.  Ever. Even with help.

· The embarrassment that follows the above.

· Always worrying about whether the thing you're about to sit on will hold you without collapsing.

· Struggling with circulation issues so bad you can literally never get your feet warm.

· Waddling...seriously...everywhere you go because you have to shift your weight with each step.

· Swollen ankles.

· Heart palpitations.

· Depression.

· Indigestion.

· Constipation.

· Sleeping on your stomach by default like a beached whale all night, because sleeping on your right side makes you snore and sleeping on your left side makes you fart like an ox.

· Living in fear of falling because your balance sucks.

· Living in fear of getting stuck somewhere because you don't fit.

· Living in fear of judgmental people.

· Living in fear of getting your picture taken.

· Living in fear.

Last night, I stopped by the grocery store and bought what I needed to prep my meals this week.  This morning, I got up in enough time to actually prep my food for the day, and I waddled

half a mile after work.  It's a start. It feels like a start I've made so many times in the past. But in order to get where I want to be...healthy...in order to have a day 365, I have to have a day one.

Good thing I love new beginnings so much.