Weigh-in Wednesday

've been having a lot of trouble posting from my work computer, so yes...I'm way overdue. But despite appearances to the contrary, I'm actually doing very well right now!  As of this morning, I'm down almost 13 pounds this month, and I'm fairly comfortably on the food wagon, which was the goal I set for myself this month. I really wanted to concentrate on getting back in the habit of food prepping each morning, and sticking to my program. Mostly, I've done that.  Interestingly enough, this past Monday, I had a really hard battle with the need to go completely off the wagon. I did cave...but I did it as healthily as my inner drive would allow.  And at the end of the day, I had gone over my calorie goal by about 100 points.  Not terrible...definitely not where I wanted to be, especially after a dismally depressing POINT 2 pound loss last week.  But...lo and behold, this week, a six pound loss!  Looking back, I have to wonder if maybe my metabolism kicking into high gear this week isn't what triggered those unholy cravings on Monday. 

Things that make you go 'hmmm...'

 During this entire month, my head has not been where it needed to be. Every day has been a struggle of 'but I don't wanna!' with my inner child.  The difference has been that I have actually voiced that to a couple of people, and just the fact that I allowed myself to speak that out loud seemed to break the spell it had over me.  Before, I wouldn't let myself get started if I had to start in that funky mental mood, preferring to 'get my head right' first.

What a crock.

My mind may control my body, but my head doesn't need to be 'in the right place' in order for my body to function. I can think...and voice...whatever I want to, just as long as I don't drop the ball in the process.  Making myself wait was just an excuse like so many others to not have to start my journey yet. I am coming to terms with that....just another lesson I'm learning through this process.  My inner child can pout and whine, and cry, and throw as many tantrums as it wants to, but at the end of the day, that room had still better be clean.

So...in the exercise category…I've gotten out a couple of times, walked a half mile here and there over the past four weeks...nothing substantial. Mileage wasn't my goal this month.  Building a good foundation was.

Mileage won't be my goal in February, either.  But getting myself moving while maintaining the progress I've made with my eating habits will be.  I've got a mileage goal in mind (not a big one), but that's just to give me something to shoot for in order to keep me moving.  And with all the snow and cold weather, if that means getting on my Dreadmill at home, then that is what I will have to make myself do. (Just writing those words was enough to trigger my inner child.)

By the way....my head IS coming around, slowly (very slowly), but surely. ;) I'd call that a win, any day.

How about you?  Are you working toward a goal? What is it, and what are you doing to obtain it?

Note to Self...

appy New Year!  There's something so special about new beginnings....it's like getting a brand new journal.  You get to write whatever you want in those beautiful blank pages. It's not about resolutions, it's about creating your own destiny. There's a lot of power in that.  This year, I'm going to do my best to tap into that power and write an amazing story...one with a truly happy ending. I'll let you know how it goes.

Right now, things aren't looking so hot. For all the hard work I put in during 2015, I've let it all come crashing down around me. I let go of my dream, lost sight of the vision I had for my life and my health. That's all it takes to lose it. If you have it, folks...don't let it go. Ever. 

This morning, I sat on my bed and looked at my reflection in the mirror across from me.  I saw a middle aged woman who was absolutely radiating misery.  At 292+ pounds, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I cannot imagine how people can go higher, how my skin could hold any more weight, how I could even function. Yet, every day you hear amazing, inspirational stories about someone who had (or in some cases still has) a much larger number on that scale. It's overwhelming to even contemplate.

One day, many days away from today, I'm going to be tempted to stop what I'm doing, to take a break from my routine, to cut myself some slack....just for a few days. Or maybe a month. Or two.  On that day, I want to be able to look back at this post and remind myself of what it's like to weigh 292 pounds.

· Having to sit up in stages when the alarm goes off because the lower back pain from laying in one position all night is agonizing.

· Being terrified of stepping into the shower, for fear of sliding/falling/breaking things. 

· Not being able to adequately reach your feet/back/god-knows-what to wash them properly without incredible strain.

· Having to buy stock in Gold Bond to keep the sweaty parts from turning into yeast infections.

· Not being able to step into your underwear because you can't lift your feet high enough.

· Not being able to fasten your bra without almost forcing your shoulders out of joint.

· Living with a grand total of two pairs of pants and four shirts for the better part of a year and a half, because you refuse to 'waste' money on anything that looks like Otto the Tentmaker whipped it up.

· Resigning yourself to the fact that no matter how much you spend, or how stylish the garment, anything you put on your body will ultimately still look like Otto made it.

· Buying tennis shoes that slip on because tying your shoes is impossible.

· Cramming yourself behind the steering wheel, and struggling to get the seat belt buckled.

· Dealing with constant sciatic pain, knee/hip pain and legs/feet losing circulation because of the constant pressure of just sitting.

· Struggling....actually having to contort your body into the weirdest possible positions....to attend to the most basic personal toilette.

· Getting seriously winded just walking from your desk to your car in the afternoon.

· Not caring what you eat, just as long as somebody else cooks it, because you have zero energy.

· Not being able to sit or kneel on the ground because you literally can not get back up.  Ever. Even with help.

· The embarrassment that follows the above.

· Always worrying about whether the thing you're about to sit on will hold you without collapsing.

· Struggling with circulation issues so bad you can literally never get your feet warm.

· Waddling...seriously...everywhere you go because you have to shift your weight with each step.

· Swollen ankles.

· Heart palpitations.

· Depression.

· Indigestion.

· Constipation.

· Sleeping on your stomach by default like a beached whale all night, because sleeping on your right side makes you snore and sleeping on your left side makes you fart like an ox.

· Living in fear of falling because your balance sucks.

· Living in fear of getting stuck somewhere because you don't fit.

· Living in fear of judgmental people.

· Living in fear of getting your picture taken.

· Living in fear.

Last night, I stopped by the grocery store and bought what I needed to prep my meals this week.  This morning, I got up in enough time to actually prep my food for the day, and I waddled

half a mile after work.  It's a start. It feels like a start I've made so many times in the past. But in order to get where I want to be...healthy...in order to have a day 365, I have to have a day one.

Good thing I love new beginnings so much.