Learning to Breathe

So far this month, I've pretty much destroyed all the goals I had set for myself, and not in a good way.  I've had way too many rest days, and haven't even managed to log 45 miles yet.  With less than ten days to go in October, I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that I won't hit my goal of 105 miles.


That doesn't mean I won't try.

I could throw in the towel, say what's the point? I could scratch the whole month as a loss, and tell myself I'll start fresh in November.  I could also fall completely off the wagon, like I have so many times in the past.

But I'm not.  I'm starting today.


Last week, I had a rough week. It wasn't a typical week...my runs suffered, I made bad food choices, and as a result, I gained half a pound.  Could have been water weight...could have been legit. Who knows?  *shrug* Does it matter?  It happened.


This week, after more bad choices, and even less runs, I really expected another gain. I honestly thought I probably deserved a gain. As I was preparing myself mentally for that, I thought about all the little choices I made even as recently as yesterday that I could have done differently...but didn't, because this week was already a waste. I'd written it off as a loss (and not the good kind), and didn't even realize it.


Fortunately for me, I didn't have a gain this morning.  I didn't even maintain. Somehow (and I'm not going to look too closely at the how part), I managed to lose that half a pound I gained last week. (Thank you, Lord, for saving me from my own stupidity.)

The relief I felt at that was a real eye-opener for me.  I can't stop....but neither can I slow down, or get comfortable. I can't decide that I'm 'safe'.....not now, not even when I get to goal.  There will never come a time when I don't have to count my calories, think hard about my choices, measure my progress.  This is not my life until.

This is my life always.

Not because I want to torture myself, or be unrealistic.  Because I want to live, and live well.  Monitoring myself allows me to do that.  If I'm totally honest with myself, I have lived pretty well this year, and I have sacrificed very little in the process...certainly nothing I really wanted.  It's a matter of eating mindfully, and taking the time I need every day to do what I know my body needs to survive.  That is not self-torture, or even self-sacrifice.

It's self-love.

Little by little, I'm learning how to really love myself. I'm learning how to make the hard calls, how to push when I need extra encouragement to do what I know I need to do.  Every bad call, every wrong step teaches me new and important lessons I desperately need to learn.  There are really no bad weeks in this journey...no bad days.  It's all important, it's all part of the learning curve.  And these lessons are every bit as important as having the best freaking run of my life (which I did on Wednesday, btw....lookit that pace!).

I need to breathe.  I need to keep my perspective.  I need to relax, and enjoy this incredible roller-coaster experience, because it will never stop.  There will never be a day when I arrive...I will always be traveling.

And that's ok.