Really early yesterday morning, Keith left for Atlanta on his monthly two-week trip, which means I'll be alone again for the next two weeks. So far, it hasn't really been a problem because I really enjoy my alone time. It helps me stay centered, as it generally does for most introverted people. But for some reason, it just seemed to hit me yesterday and I just felt....lost.
I didn't realize it right away, though. It took a while to process. Like...all day while. First, there was the sleeping late. I slept until almost 9:00am, which is not really like me, even on the weekends. I like to sleep late, yes...but when your normal wake-up time is 4:30am, late means 7:30, and very late means 8:00. When I finally did get up, I had zero motivation. I had lots to look forward to, and a big to-do list, but didn't want to do any of it.
So...I made a huge veggie omelet and sat down with my coffee in front of the TV for a while. In my jammies.
It was a run day, and I freaking live for those anymore. On the weekends, I really love getting out early while it's cool, and knowing the rest of my day is free for whatever. But I couldn't seem to make myself move. I just sat there, sipping coffee.
Finally, around noon, I realized that I had told Keith to take my car down to his truck (so he didn't break his neck stumbling down the driveway in the pitch dark), and I would hike down to it when I went into town to run. As tempting as it was to keep sitting in that chair, I didn't want to face that hike in the evening, and I could see myself sitting there until dark, if I wasn't careful. So, I finally got myself together and headed out.
Halfway to the track, I realized I was about to run on a fairly empty stomach, and had not brought any water with me. Definitely not prepared, and not like me at all these days. I have been running about 3 to 3 1/2 miles on average, with a 3 mile cool-down walk to chase it on my run days, mainly because I love that calorie burn. But yesterday, I was ready to throw in the towel after a mile. To my credit, I didn't. I hung in there and did 2 miles at a really good pace...but it was a huge struggle, and I hated the way I felt the entire time. Not in my body...my body felt great. But my head was an absolute mess. I finished out with a 1/2 mile cool down and got the hell off the track.
After that, I headed on into town to pick up a package Tracy had gotten for me at the post office on Friday, and stopped by the store to grab a few supplies I needed for this week. I had a real problem at the grocery store...everything was yelling at me. Pastries....canned stuff....dairy....frozen foods...all the stuff I usually breeze by while I'm concentrating with laser-precision on the stuff that is actually on my list. I recognized what was happening, though, and the only extra thing I left with was a small container of Cajun crab dip and some gluten-free crackers...an occasional treat I usually have no problem metering. Leaving the grocery store felt like a huge victory considering how badly I had battled while shopping. I just wanted to get out of there and go home.
One more stop at Taco John's to pick up a taco salad for lunch/dinner....and an order of chips and queso, which I had burned enough calories to compensate for, and I headed back home to chill for the rest of the evening. By the time I got there, it was 4:30pm, and I still had a couple of things to do around the house. It took me until about 7:30 to finish it all, but I did, and then I sat down in front of the TV again...with the crab dip and crackers, still feeling like crap. I carefully counted out one portion of crackers....and ate it with the entire container of dip.
The whole freaking thing.
Then I just sat there and stared at the empty container, wondering what just happened.
That's when it hit me. The quiet. The boredom. The loneliness. And I wondered just how many times in the past I had felt like this, and never recognized it for what it truly was. Years, I'm thinking. Years, and years, and years of helpless, hopeless loneliness.
But I am not helpless anymore. And I am most certainly not hopeless. I am strong, and capable, and able to conquer this. I can recognize it now. And I can devise ways to process and cope with these feelings instead of retreating within myself and eating myself oblivious.
It was too late to do anything about my calorie count last night. I overshot my goal by about 500 calories, give or take. Did I absolutely wreck it? Nah... Did I derail? Nope. I had a bad day. An off-day. These days will happen....that's life. And when they do, I need to be able to learn something from it. Any off day that I can take a lesson from is not a bad day. Do I wish I had done things differently? You betcha. If I could take back that container of crab dip, I surely would. But being able to recognize ... and more importantly, fight against these issues when they come up is invaluable, in the grand scheme of things. And so, as with so many other aspects of this journey, I am thankful for it.
Today, I'm feeling better. I have processed and accepted my loneliness. I miss Keith so bad, it hurts like a toothache. But I will survive it, and he will be back before I know it. I'm back on track, prepared for another successful day. And if I start feeling off again, I know I'll be able to handle it much more effectively.
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