New Year's Eve

Three hours to go in 2012, and I'm feeling really good about where I am right now.  No, it's not the whiskey talking (although I did splurge and have a shot in honor of the occasion), it's more likely the adrenaline high of knowing that I'm on the right track.  Great eating today, getting in my workout this afternoon, and a good dinner tonight, lots of water to keep it all flowing right, coming home to an immaculate house, and knowing I have tomorrow off all spells positivity. 

I love this image that I found on facebook today....it's so symbolic of my expectations for this new year. In order to expand my comfort zone, I need to leave where I am...what I've always known... and go for it.  It's not without risks, and the odds are against me, but what I will gain if I make it is so much greater than anything I've known before....and the victory will be all mine.  All I have to do is get up the nerve to take that leap of faith.

Well....I'm leaping.  Here's to a fantastic 2013!!!

Aaaand....we're OFF!

Well, I must say today went SO much better than yesterday!  I'm very encouraged by it.  Last night, despite my best efforts, I just couldn't get in that last meal of the day.  I had gotten up too early, and consequently, my whole day was off.  Combine that with the fact that my little camper had entirely too much stuff piled everywhere (the aftermath of Christmas), and too many men in my way, and was feeling thoroughly overwhelmed.  I knew that the only way I was gonna make any headway like I WANTED to was to get that under control, QUICK. 

So, after no fifth meal and no workout yesterday, I was a bit dejected when I went to bed.

What a difference a day makes!  Keith and I both got up early, tackled the camper and gave it a thorough spring cleaning, which it desperately needed, and I was able to get all my meals AND my day 1 workout in.  On top of that, I cooked a wonderful meal for the guys, and did most of my cooking for myself for the week.  All my food is logged, all but one of my waters is down.  All that's left is a bit of kitchen cleanup, and packing my food for tomorrow, and I'll be home free for the evening....in a clean, organized environment.  I feel very empowered right now, and that's a very good feeling.  I know that tomorrow will go smoothly, as I will be prepared to meet the day (at work...boo), and also prepared to walk at the mall before heading home tomorrow night.  I feel like I can breathe....and I'm very, very happy about having such a good start. 

Getting started....again.

So, in anticipation of the big starter gunshot going off this morning, I actually went by the grocery store last night on my way home and did the shopping for all of us for the next two weeks.  Well...at least, for the guys.  It will remain to be seen just how far my rations will go.  Fish is expensive, omg!  But I'll figure it out as I go, I'm sure. 

One thing I've been very careful about this time is not taking things for granted that I remember correctly.  In my previous attempts, I guesstimated things like portion sizes and the types of fruits and veggies, etc. I needed to be using.  This time, I made sure to reread the manual (which I'm still in the process of), and invest in a food scale so I can be sure I'm eating the right amount.  Interesting to note that although I was fudging on my veggie types before, I was also not eating enough protein. 

So far today, I've done both very well, and not so hot.  In the amounts and quality of food I've eaten, I've done stellar.  I've also managed to put away almost my entire allotment of water, and will by the time I go to bed.  So I'm very pleased about that part.  I also weighed, measured, and photographed, first thing this morning, so I have all my documentation in order.  Very stoked about that, and already looking forward to my first 6-week comparison. 

On the not so hot side, however, I got up late and so I started off behind the 8-ball in terms of dividing my meals up in a time to spread them evenly across the day.  By the time I'd had my first meal, I should have been getting ready for my third....not good.  So I'm writing this at 9pm, and still have one meal to go before I go to bed. 

Tomorrow, I know will be better and more organized.  I have a lot to do, and with the guys underfoot all day today (bad weather), I wasn't able to accomplish what I'd set out to do.  Unorganization kicked my butt today, but by tomorrow afternoon, I know I'll be on track. 

I also didn't get my workout in today....but I do think I'll be ok on that, if I do day one tomorrow while the guys are gone, and since i'll be off on Tuesday, I can do day 2 then.  So I'll still get them in this week...I'll just be a day short on my walking.  Still...as long as it doesn't become a habit, I'm not going to sweat one day.  I don't want to be so rigid in my routine that it becomes a self-defeating thing.  I'm planning to go the distance this time, and so I want to be smart about my decisions.

Still feeling very jazzed right now....so much so, that I had tears of excitement on my way home last night, looking forward to this.  It just feels different in every way....and I know that my head is right.  SO excited for that!!!

Right now, it is not my plan to update daily....but I do intend to update if I feel I have something worth saying.  Guess it remains to be seen how often that will be. :)

Project Crackerjill

Ok...I am officially excited.  I mean REALLY excited.  You'd think I was going to a race or something, I'm so excited.  I have spent this entire week planning for the Big Start, which will be tomorrow, and I am literally squirming in my seat at the prospect.

What's WRONG with me?

Absolutely nothing!  In fact, it's what's right....which is that my mindset is so different right now, it's scary.  And that makes me ecstatic.

Last night, I was laying in bed, planning out the spreadsheet I will be using to log my weigh-ins, very similar to the one I used back in 2005 (which was long ago relegated to a now-defunct floppy disk), and it occurred to me that a project of this magnitude (rest assured, this IS a monumental project) deserves a name...one that would really personify my goals and expectations.  So I started thinking about what I was actually trying to accomplish, and decided that what I was really after was to unearth the healthy me that has been hidden so long inside this unhealthy shell....and that unearthing it would be very much like digging the prize out of a Crackerjack box.  Food analogy notwithstanding, that simple childhood joy of finding the prize is really what I'm referring to.  So I decided that I could find no better name to perfectly encapsulate what I'm doing. 

Henceforth, this project shall be dubbed Project Crackerjill.

Dusting the Breeks

You know, it's infuriating to fail. At anything, really.  It's even more infuriating to know that YOU, and ONLY you are the cause of your failure. That really stinks.

BUT...

If a lesson is learned from the failure, then it wasn't a failure at all.  It was a lesson learned.

That is how I choose to view this latest attempt, which faltered not long after my last post in June.  Why?  Because of my focus....I'm sure of it.  Despite what I've said, what I've written, what I've thought, my focus over the past few years has been about my physical appearance, not my health.  Starting out each time, I would be all full of piss and vinegar, but eventually...usually sooner rather than later...I would get tired of toeing the line, and decide that looking good just wasn't worth the effort it was taking to get there....not when the instant gratification of  a dozen piping-hot donuts was beckoning with promises of making me forget...even momentarily...that I was spinning completely out of control.  The one time I got my head straight on this issue, I achieved results....stellar results, I might add.  Simply put, my focus was on my health...because I was afraid that I was going to die if I didn't do something.

Back in 2003, I lost my dear husband, Bill to a massive heart attack.  He was 51.  He was also a smoker who ate like crap.  Outwardly, he seemed to be healthy enough...tall and lanky, with a ruddy complexion.  Scratch that surface, however, and he was a walking time bomb.

A year of insanity followed...mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost it completely, not just my focus, but my desire to focus.  I can't remember half of what that year contained, and I think I'll always be glad of that.  All I can remember is wanting to immerse myself in anything that would help ease the pain.  I didn't begin to surface from that until I stumbled across a letter in the fall of that year....a letter that would ultimately change my life in more ways than one.

By the end of winter, I was ready to emerge from my self-imposed hibernation.  I had spent way too many sleepless late-nights zoned out in front of infomercials, and I finally roused myself long enough to realize that if I didn't want to follow Bill into an early grave, I needed to take action NOW. In March of that year, I got busy. So driven was I at that time that my focus was like a laser beam....nothing could have shaken me from my goal of good health.  Consequently, I not only dropped 55 pounds in four months, I was more toned and in better shape than I had ever been in IN MY LIFE.

A surprise discovery of love changed all that. My focus slowly dropped from my health to my new beau (now my husband), and although I did manage to keep the weight off for almost two years, it slowly crept back on. 

Over the last seven years, I have gotten back on and off the horse so many times, I'm dizzy. I have done my best to rise and dust off my proverbial backside, every time I have fallen. But every time, it's really boiled down to the fact that I wanted to look as good as I did back then.  In reality, it ain't about the looks....it's about the feel...both internal AND external.  I. Want. To. Be. Healthy.  I want to live a very long time, and share in the magnificence of all this life has to offer with my very healthy husband.

Right now, I am in no way healthy.  I am almost back to my heaviest weight ever, and my body is exhibiting physical signs of the stress I'm forcing it to handle.  From running races two years ago, I now can't walk from my car to my office without being painfully out of breath.  My face breaks out easily, my hair is dry and brittle, my skin is dull, and I have become uncharacteristically moody. My digestive system is so wacked out, I spend a quarter of my day in the bathroom, and another quarter chewing antacids....in between meals and snacking on crap, of course.  I hate what I have done to my body, what I've allowed myself to become....but I also love myself enough to take the action necessary to avoid the inevitable result, should I elect to continue on this self-destructive path.

And so....we come to a new year.  A new chance at a new beginning.  Of course, if you are a Believer, then you are probably familiar with the biblical passage that says that His mercies are new every morning.  Following that logic, then, one could assume (and rightly so, I think) that new beginnings are possible with every sunrise. 

In my life, a new dawn is approaching.  In my mind, there is a different goal.  And in my heart....I know that this time, I will conquor, because I have learned my lesson; painfully so.  Time to once again dust off the breeks, and get busy. 

Because the alternative is unacceptable.