Resolve

The past couple of weeks have been really, really tough for me. So many things going on around me...so much activity within the family have wreaked havoc with my carefully honed schedule.  First my oldest daughter comes to visit.  I did great for the first week...stayed on track with my eating and walking, but slipped on my workout.  That put me on the downhill slide, though, and before I knew it, I was eating just a bite of this, a bite of that....skipping my walk this night, then that. It's really terrifying how quickly it can all slip out of your grasp. Before you know it....you're right back into all the old patterns.

This week, I tried to get back into my groove, but the details have eluded me for one reason or another, so I'm still battling hard.  I did manage to get a 3-mile walk in yesterday, and that did amazing things for my morale, but I really need to do some cooking for myself so that I can start packing my food and eating on schedule again.  My metabolism is suffering, and I haven't been careful about what I eat. 

This past Saturday, I held my breath and stepped on the scale to an 8 pound gain.  Not sure what I expected, but really, I think I just wanted to see how much the damage was.  Watched my food all day, and was already down by 2 lbs by Sunday morning.  That was a bit more encouraging.  Both Sunday and Monday I kept promising myself all day that I would cook some fish up for my meals, but Sunday was spent nursing a migraine, and Monday was errand day...so no cooking.

Tonight, my youngest daughter arrives, with two grands in tow.  Not for a visit....but for good.  How that will play into my goals remains to be seen, but I do know that this will set my resolve one way or another.

Interesting word, resolve.  Webster defines it this way: 

transitive verb

 

1 obsolete : dissolve, melt

 

2 a : break up, separate ; also : to change by disintegration

  b : to reduce by analysis

  c : to distinguish between or make independently visible adjacent parts of

 d : to separate (a racemic compound or mixture) into the two components

 

3 : to cause resolution of (a pathological state)

 

4 a : to deal with successfully : clear up

   b : to find an answer to

   c : to make clear or understandable

   d : to find a mathematical solution of

   e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions

 

5 : to reach a firm decision about

 

6 a : to declare or decide by a formal resolution and vote

   b : to change by resolution or formal vote

 

7 : to make (as voice parts) progress from dissonance to consonance

 

8 : to work out the resolution of (as a play)

 

intransitive verb

 

1 : to become separated into component parts; also : to become reduced by dissolving or analysis

 

2 : to form a resolution : determine

 

3 : consult, deliberate

 

4 : to progress from dissonance to consonance

 

I had always thought of it as meaning #4 or 5 above (transitive), but there are just as many meanings that have to do with breaking down, dissolving, reducing, disintegrating, separating, melting,becoming obsolete.

 

Wow. On so many levels....wow.

 

Am I referring to the breakdown of my desires...my goals...my dreams?  Or am I referring to the breakdown of all that is holding me back from achieving them?

 

I had thought I had 'solved' this issue before...oh, so many times before.  But all I keep doing is 're-solving' the same damned things....over and over and over, ad nauseum.

 

I don't ever EVER want to 're-solve' another part of this process, this journey that I have chosen.  I want to resolve it...for once and for all.

Week Seven Reckoning

 This week has been absolutely frought with challenges, and there's a part of me that really feels as though I have not risen to the challenges at all.  My oldest daughter has been visiting, and will be here for another few days, which has thrown my usual routine (or what has become my usual routine, anyway)  into a tailspin.  My regular eating has suffered, my workouts have become non-existant, not to mention my water intake, and a few no-no foods have even managed to creep back into my repertoire... something I had no intention of doing for quite some time, yet.  Still...through it all, I've managed to do enough to maintain.

I was so worried when I stepped back on the scale this morning, but was absolutely flabergasted to see that through all my screw-ups, even though I had let my body down by not doing the right thing, my body had not let ME down.  I've only gained .2 lbs this week, back up from 238.8 last week to 240.  Considering all the backsliding I did, I will take it allllll day, and say thanks in the process.

You can bet that I will be getting right back on the horse, though.  I have no intention of using Jes's visit to knock me completely back off the wagon...I have come too far.  My excuses are not going to cut it anymore, and I still have every intention of beginning to run come March 1st, regardless.  It will only make it harder on me if I slack on prepping for that by staying off the track now.  So.....back to work, it is!  Onward to next week!

Week Six Reckoning.

Well...it's been six weeks now, on this incredible journey, and I'm well on my way to my goal. I've already accomplished so much more than I had ever imagined, not in terms of weight loss (although certainly that way, too), but in the lessons I've learned and the level of understanding I've discovered about myself. It's really incredible to know that a journey of this magnitude can be taken up at any age or shape, and still be equally as incredible. And it IS the journey that is giving me so much joy this time. I have really found a joy in the process....to my great surprise.
I fought this week to hit the 20 lb. goal I had set for myself at the beginning of this journey.  As of my weigh-in last Saturday,  I had 2 1/2 lbs. to realize that goal....but to someone who is self-programmed to sabotage herself at every turn, it might as well be the distance to the moon.  
This week, despite all my struggles, I was determined to hit 240.6, if it killed me in the process.

Picture me squealing like a little girl this morning, seeing 238.8 on that scale.
21.8 lbs.?? Really??
 
Oh, my God...I can actually do this. I AM doing it....every single day.

Ups and Downs

This has been an odd week.  Can't really say it's been bad, exactly....because it hasn't.  But I can't exactly call it good, either.  Although I've pretty much stayed on track with my food, I can't say I haven't come dangerously close to wavering a few times.  I've worked really hard in those times to toughen my resolve and power through it.  I have to say, all things considered, that I'm really pretty proud of that. In the past, it's been those times when I would give in....just a bite....and then the whole thing....and then I might as well just eat what I want today....and then the day becomes the week...etc.  And it would all end up in self-loathing because I can't stick to anything, and I'm a dismal failure, and I hate my life, and I hate myself for being so damned weak.  And I would find myself for the millionth time shouting, "For the love of God, somebody stop this sickening roller coaster, already!  I. Want. To. Get. Off.  NOW."

But...see....that 'somebody' I was always talking to was me. It had to be...who else CAN do it?  And the answer to that, of course, is no one.

So....we had a big pot-luck breakfast at work yesterday.  Too many breakfast goodies to count, and the break room is still loaded down, as we speak.  Too many things to count....eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy, breakfast casserole, hashbrown casserole, blueberry biscuits with icing, donuts, muffins, two kinds of cake, even.  I brought a fruit salad (which was hardly touched among all the glorious empty caloried feast), but since I had already eaten my breakfast, I sat with my coffee, and enjoyed the company, feeling pretty powerful.  It was later that the old desires started creeping in....that need to sample, to pinch, to savor.  To not miss out on life.   I managed (thankfully) to stave off all but one pinch of dried-out blueberry biscuit yesterday, but that yearning came back with such a vengeance this morning, that I was actually chewing a huge mouthful of leftover dried-out blueberry biscuit before I even realized what I had done.  The guilt and disappointment that washed over me was almost enough to drive me to tears. I had just wrecked all my hard work....and my six-week weigh in ( and picture taking) was only two days away!!!

Then I had an epiphany.  I was in control of this. I could choose to be defeated in that moment, or I could choose to win.  It wasn't too late to salvage all my hard-won efforts....I didn't have to accept that I had put unhealthy fuel, something not good for me, into my body.  I hadn't swallowed yet! 

I wasted no time heading for the bathroom and divesting that wad of mush into a paper towel, which promptly rung the trash can for a 3-pointer.  I felt more in control in that moment, than I have all week.  I finally freaking won. And knowing that, I can fight the next battle just that much more confidently.  And I will win that one too.  It may not always be pretty....I may lose a bit of ground here and there.  But I refuse to throw in the towel on myself any more.  I deserve better than that.

As far as my workouts go....Monday was a snow day, and I never left home....so I did play hookey there.  Tuesday, I walked, and my pace starting out more than made up for Monday. I was excited to see that I had improved from an almost 19 min/mile pace to a 16 min/mile pace....that is HUGE.  I've actually run laps slower than that....although it pains me to admit it.  But it does serve to remind me just how far I've come in the past six weeks.  Unfortunately, I pulled a muscle two miles in, and had to stop. My fault...I didn't warm up properly. Lesson learned.  Wednesday went better...although slower....and I did my entire hour, but only managed a little over 3 miles.  No workout Thursday...I had to go to Knoxville after work to pick up my darling eldest daughter from the bus station....looking forward to lots of great walks with her in the next couple of weeks while she's here.  Today is a workout day...but I'm planning on sneaking in a walk before heading home this afternoon.

So....yeah....a very 'meh' week, all things considered. Great victories, lots of lessons learned, some not-so-shining moments, and a couple of triumphs mixed in.  No matter what the scale shows on Saturday morning, I will be ok with my progress this week. You see, the truth is....with all its ups and downs, this is pretty much going to be a typical week for me in the long run.  And since I'm in it for the long run, I guess I'd better just go ahead and get used to it.

Week Five Reckoning....and weekend wrap-up.

As rocky as this week started out, I think it pretty much ended up on a good note.  Friday afternoon, I worked hard to get out of work on time.  And after running the necessary (evil) errands, I scooted home, kicked everyone out, and did my Day 1 workout.  Gawd, it felt so good.  And after working so hard all week, I was more than ready to recoup with a good weigh-in on Saturday morning.  I was not disappointed....another 2.6 gone, for a total of 17.5 down, and I weighed in at 243, officially.  So...I was on a roll.

Saturday was spent on the road to go spend the day with our oldest grandsons, and I made sure to get up early and pack all my food for the day, so I wouldn't have any excuses.  I was glad I did...the weather turned horrible, and we got back much later than we'd planned.  About four hours after my last meal, I found myself needing to make a choice whether to tough it out and wait another two or three hours to get home for my last meal...or to try to stop and find something I could eat.  I chose as wisely as I could....turkey jerkey at a truck stop.  I honestly don't think I could have done much better, given the selection I had to choose from.

 Sunday morning, I slept in a bit, but got up early enough to be able to cook my protein for the next few days before we headed to town for a while.  I did not take food with me, although the weather is still bad here (icy roads), and was starving by the time we got home.  Of course, today being Superbowl Sunday, the guys had to load up on munchies for the game, and I found myself needing to sample a bite of this dip, a morsel of that wing...and finally had to force myself to stop before I had done too much damage. 

Still...sitting here, with a jar of spinach dip and a bag of Tostitos within easy reach is almost stretching me to the limits of my endurance.  They say the more you work at it, the easier it gets.  I certainly hope so, cuz this ain't fun.  I do know that I need to learn how to take a bite of 'real' food here and there without it tanking all my progress, and I feel like baby steps are the best way to get there. I will not get derailed because I ate two chips...I will not. I'm in this for the long haul...and that will last way beyond any football game.

Frustration...and forgiveness.

How many times have my frustrations gotten the better of me? Countless, I'm sure. This week has been absolutely fraught with them, mainly due to the weather, but also with time constrictions. How do I cram all this...this...stuff...into my day? Either it's errands..or weather...or stuff Keith wants me to do at the last minute. Go here...do that...pick this up...drop these off. I'm about ready to pull my hair out! And like a cherry on top of it all sits my self-inflicted anxiety and guilt that I just. can't. do. it. all.

This week's break room offerings. Again...I did not partake.

Despite my best efforts to recoup last week's failed workout attempts, I have not done it. There has simply been no time. By the time I leave work, go walk for the alloted hour, do all my errands, go pick up Keith and head home, it's been 7:30 before I could get home. Then there's dinner to get, dishes to wash, food to pack or cook for the next day, and correspondence/bills/emails to catch up on, all before my 9:00pm bedtime. IF I'm lucky, I don't get to bed too terribly late. Most nights this week, I haven't been lucky.

Which means I wake up tired and cranky, without energy, dragging, slow, hungry, weak....the list goes on. And every afternoon, I feel that frustration level shooting through the roof that I can't get home any freaking earlier. There is just no time for these workouts....not without sacrificing my walk time...and I can't do that. It's just too important to skip.

So, where does that leave me? Last week I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to make up that workout so that I could get back on track tomorrow. But considering that today is Thursday, that's just not gonna happen. The way I look at it, I have two options: either I can go postal, go on strike, go straight home, throw a fit, throw everyone out of my house and do both Day 1 AND Day 2 tonight without walking, but still feel guilty for A) not walking today and B) overworking my body, thus negating tomorrow's workout, or I can let go of the guilt and frustration, let go of my crazy, control-freak behavior, throw out all my negative self-talk and throw myself behind all the amazing accomplishments I've made this week!

• I've eaten CLEAN...and stayed completely on track.
• I've walked...every single day. And I've increased my pace without increasing my heart rate, which means I'm that much closer to being able to start running again.
• I've gotten hooked into some great apps that will help me track my progress, some of which are displayed on my page. This will help me stay accountable to myself...I do love gadgets.
• I've signed up for a February walking challenge on Endomondo! This will be my first 'official' challenge, but I'm hoping it won't be my last! I'd love to have something to work on each month...but we'll see how this one goes, first.

And most importantly...I've realized that I am not on a timetable for losing weight, getting in shape, or getting healthy. This is a lifelong path I'm on, and the only end date is my demise...in my sleep...of natural causes...at a very old age. My journey is not timed, and as long as I am creating forward motion, I'm doing well. So what if I am two weeks behind on my workouts? In the grand scheme of things, what's two weeks, when I've got a lifetime to work on me? Far more important to love myself throughout the process...and to be good and kind to myself, as well.

Are you frustrated with your routine or something else in your life? Can you forgive yourself for not being perfect...not doing things perfectly? Do yourself a favor....show yourself some mercy, let it go, and breathe.