Resolve

The past couple of weeks have been really, really tough for me. So many things going on around me...so much activity within the family have wreaked havoc with my carefully honed schedule.  First my oldest daughter comes to visit.  I did great for the first week...stayed on track with my eating and walking, but slipped on my workout.  That put me on the downhill slide, though, and before I knew it, I was eating just a bite of this, a bite of that....skipping my walk this night, then that. It's really terrifying how quickly it can all slip out of your grasp. Before you know it....you're right back into all the old patterns.

This week, I tried to get back into my groove, but the details have eluded me for one reason or another, so I'm still battling hard.  I did manage to get a 3-mile walk in yesterday, and that did amazing things for my morale, but I really need to do some cooking for myself so that I can start packing my food and eating on schedule again.  My metabolism is suffering, and I haven't been careful about what I eat. 

This past Saturday, I held my breath and stepped on the scale to an 8 pound gain.  Not sure what I expected, but really, I think I just wanted to see how much the damage was.  Watched my food all day, and was already down by 2 lbs by Sunday morning.  That was a bit more encouraging.  Both Sunday and Monday I kept promising myself all day that I would cook some fish up for my meals, but Sunday was spent nursing a migraine, and Monday was errand day...so no cooking.

Tonight, my youngest daughter arrives, with two grands in tow.  Not for a visit....but for good.  How that will play into my goals remains to be seen, but I do know that this will set my resolve one way or another.

Interesting word, resolve.  Webster defines it this way: 

transitive verb

 

1 obsolete : dissolve, melt

 

2 a : break up, separate ; also : to change by disintegration

  b : to reduce by analysis

  c : to distinguish between or make independently visible adjacent parts of

 d : to separate (a racemic compound or mixture) into the two components

 

3 : to cause resolution of (a pathological state)

 

4 a : to deal with successfully : clear up

   b : to find an answer to

   c : to make clear or understandable

   d : to find a mathematical solution of

   e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions

 

5 : to reach a firm decision about

 

6 a : to declare or decide by a formal resolution and vote

   b : to change by resolution or formal vote

 

7 : to make (as voice parts) progress from dissonance to consonance

 

8 : to work out the resolution of (as a play)

 

intransitive verb

 

1 : to become separated into component parts; also : to become reduced by dissolving or analysis

 

2 : to form a resolution : determine

 

3 : consult, deliberate

 

4 : to progress from dissonance to consonance

 

I had always thought of it as meaning #4 or 5 above (transitive), but there are just as many meanings that have to do with breaking down, dissolving, reducing, disintegrating, separating, melting,becoming obsolete.

 

Wow. On so many levels....wow.

 

Am I referring to the breakdown of my desires...my goals...my dreams?  Or am I referring to the breakdown of all that is holding me back from achieving them?

 

I had thought I had 'solved' this issue before...oh, so many times before.  But all I keep doing is 're-solving' the same damned things....over and over and over, ad nauseum.

 

I don't ever EVER want to 're-solve' another part of this process, this journey that I have chosen.  I want to resolve it...for once and for all.