Ups and Downs

This has been an odd week.  Can't really say it's been bad, exactly....because it hasn't.  But I can't exactly call it good, either.  Although I've pretty much stayed on track with my food, I can't say I haven't come dangerously close to wavering a few times.  I've worked really hard in those times to toughen my resolve and power through it.  I have to say, all things considered, that I'm really pretty proud of that. In the past, it's been those times when I would give in....just a bite....and then the whole thing....and then I might as well just eat what I want today....and then the day becomes the week...etc.  And it would all end up in self-loathing because I can't stick to anything, and I'm a dismal failure, and I hate my life, and I hate myself for being so damned weak.  And I would find myself for the millionth time shouting, "For the love of God, somebody stop this sickening roller coaster, already!  I. Want. To. Get. Off.  NOW."

But...see....that 'somebody' I was always talking to was me. It had to be...who else CAN do it?  And the answer to that, of course, is no one.

So....we had a big pot-luck breakfast at work yesterday.  Too many breakfast goodies to count, and the break room is still loaded down, as we speak.  Too many things to count....eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy, breakfast casserole, hashbrown casserole, blueberry biscuits with icing, donuts, muffins, two kinds of cake, even.  I brought a fruit salad (which was hardly touched among all the glorious empty caloried feast), but since I had already eaten my breakfast, I sat with my coffee, and enjoyed the company, feeling pretty powerful.  It was later that the old desires started creeping in....that need to sample, to pinch, to savor.  To not miss out on life.   I managed (thankfully) to stave off all but one pinch of dried-out blueberry biscuit yesterday, but that yearning came back with such a vengeance this morning, that I was actually chewing a huge mouthful of leftover dried-out blueberry biscuit before I even realized what I had done.  The guilt and disappointment that washed over me was almost enough to drive me to tears. I had just wrecked all my hard work....and my six-week weigh in ( and picture taking) was only two days away!!!

Then I had an epiphany.  I was in control of this. I could choose to be defeated in that moment, or I could choose to win.  It wasn't too late to salvage all my hard-won efforts....I didn't have to accept that I had put unhealthy fuel, something not good for me, into my body.  I hadn't swallowed yet! 

I wasted no time heading for the bathroom and divesting that wad of mush into a paper towel, which promptly rung the trash can for a 3-pointer.  I felt more in control in that moment, than I have all week.  I finally freaking won. And knowing that, I can fight the next battle just that much more confidently.  And I will win that one too.  It may not always be pretty....I may lose a bit of ground here and there.  But I refuse to throw in the towel on myself any more.  I deserve better than that.

As far as my workouts go....Monday was a snow day, and I never left home....so I did play hookey there.  Tuesday, I walked, and my pace starting out more than made up for Monday. I was excited to see that I had improved from an almost 19 min/mile pace to a 16 min/mile pace....that is HUGE.  I've actually run laps slower than that....although it pains me to admit it.  But it does serve to remind me just how far I've come in the past six weeks.  Unfortunately, I pulled a muscle two miles in, and had to stop. My fault...I didn't warm up properly. Lesson learned.  Wednesday went better...although slower....and I did my entire hour, but only managed a little over 3 miles.  No workout Thursday...I had to go to Knoxville after work to pick up my darling eldest daughter from the bus station....looking forward to lots of great walks with her in the next couple of weeks while she's here.  Today is a workout day...but I'm planning on sneaking in a walk before heading home this afternoon.

So....yeah....a very 'meh' week, all things considered. Great victories, lots of lessons learned, some not-so-shining moments, and a couple of triumphs mixed in.  No matter what the scale shows on Saturday morning, I will be ok with my progress this week. You see, the truth is....with all its ups and downs, this is pretty much going to be a typical week for me in the long run.  And since I'm in it for the long run, I guess I'd better just go ahead and get used to it.