System Reset

The funk I was in on Sunday stayed with me all day on Monday.  I just could not seem to shake it, no matter how hard I tried.  Everything was a mental struggle.  It was not a run day, but it was the first day of the month, and it was all I could do to force myself to get up from my desk and get a couple of miles in at lunch.  Food was ridiculous....I craved it all day.  Didn't matter what it was...I wanted it. 


Tuesday was just as bad, but by the time the afternoon rolled around, I was so stressed and antsy, I couldn't stand myself.  The stress of my job is bad enough on a regular day, but on top of this funk, it was just about all I could do not to dig a hole and crawl in.  I was supposed to work late, but I mumbled something that sounded strangely like 'bucket', and ran screaming from my office at 3:30.


I didn't want to run.  Did you hear me?  I did not want to run.


I wanted to go home, curl up on the couch, veg out to something mindless, and eat Cheetos.


But I had not allowed myself to cheat either Monday or Tuesday with my eating, as bad as I wanted to, and I hadn't allowed myself to skip my walk, either.  I sure wasn't about to skip my run, no matter how bad I felt.  It was a matter of pride.


Besides....somewhere in the back of my mind, this commercial from a few years back is always playing:







I know this is what running does for me, and I knew Tuesday night how badly I needed that to happen.  So....I started running.  I was planning on doing my usual 3 miles, but when I got there, my program hadn't ended, so I kept on.  And by the time it ended, I was almost to the next town...


So I made like Forest, and just kept on run-ning.


When I got to the 4 mile mark, there's a huge bridge that goes over the highway.  I usually run over that when I'm running with Sheila, because we start in town.  But I've never gotten that far starting from the other end before.  I made myself turn around when I got to the bridge.  And I restarted my app on a walk, planning to walk all the way back to the car.


But my body had different ideas. It still wanted to run.  So, I ran.

I ran...not for speed, but for mileage.  For the sheer joy of hearing my feet crunch on the gravel.  I ran to purge all the crap out of my head, to feel normal again.  I ran until all the stress fell off of me.  I ran all the way back to my car.

The last quarter mile, I forced myself to walk so my body wouldn't lock up on the half-hour drive home.  I knew I needed a cool-down, but I could have easily kept on running....easily.


In my whole life, I have never done anything like that....not even close.  But I listened to what my body told me...for once....and I did not regret it.  Wednesday morning, I felt like a new woman.  My head was right, and I was back in the game, 100%.  I guess computers aren't the only things that need to be rebooted.

In the past, hitting that wall would have signaled the end of the line for my good intentions.  I would have thrown in the towel, and just given in to every bad craving I had.  But this year, I've grown in ways I never could have foreseen.  And this time, when I hit that wall, it scared me right down to the soles of my Brooks Ariels.  I knew what that feeling meant, and I battled hard against it.  For days, I battled.....until that feeling was gone.  And I effing won.

I know that the feeling will come again. That's life, and this is called a 'battle' for a reason.  But I feel so much more able to cope, now.  I have hope that when it does come next time, that I will be able to hold out against it until it passes.  And I will be able to hang on.  Every day puts me that much closer to my goal...but my goal is not the end of the line, it's just the beginning of my 'maintenance' phase.  And that will continue for the rest of my life.  So I'm really glad to have this phase I'm currently in to use as a training ground to develop habits and strategies to help me be successful in the long run.  And it's the long run that will save me. 

Every single time.