The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This weekend was full of ups and downs.  Friday night, fresh off a 2 pound loss that morning, I had my first binge since I've started this journey.  It wasn't a big one...I had bought a can of cashews on the way home, because I was starving.  Of an 8.5 ounce can, I (cautiously and responsibly) ate about 2 ounces, put it away, and logged it.  That was good, and I was proud of myself.  After we ate dinner, I logged that, and realized that the nuts had pushed me to my calorie limit for the day with just a dozen or so to spare....and I was relieved, but it was a big wakeup call for me to see how close I had come. 

• Who knows if one extra would push me over the limit? 
• Who knows that I ate exactly two ounces to begin with? 
• What if I was already unknowingly over the limit? 

Oh, gawd...deliver me from over-analyzation.  The more I sat there and thought about it, the more that damned cashew can called my name until nothing would do other than to go shut it up.  So I did.  I went and got it, thinking 'just a few more'.  That was the bad.  I am firmly convinced that the road to Hell is not paved with good intentions, it's paved with justification. 

One cashew at a time, I sat there with that can in front of the tv, and I munched until there was only about half an ounce left.  With every cashew, the guilt mounted, but it wasn't enough to stop me.  That was the ugly....and it is what has stayed with me all weekend.  Why?  Why, after finally hitting such an amazing goal that morning was I driven to self-destruct mode? Looking back, I can see that pattern repeating itself time and time again over the years, and I really want to find out the answer to that more than any other single thing. I'm hoping that this time, I will.

I think that little black cloud stuck with me for most of the rest of my weekend.  Saturday was beautiful, and I got up, made a great breakfast, enjoyed it with my coffee, got dressed and headed into town for my long run.  I was pretty stoked about it, but I had to make a stop before I ran that took longer than I wanted to take, and consequently, my tank was pretty empty going into that run.  I should have eaten. I should have run earlier.  I would have done much better with my run if I hadn't battled heat, exhaustion, and guilt from the night before.  The only thing I did right was to hydrate, and that, at least I did well.

It was not enough to get me through the run, though.  I tanked out about 3/4 of the way through and did a lot of walking toward the end, cursing myself the whole way.  If I hadn't eaten those damned cashews, I wouldn't be feeling so sluggish right now.  If I'd packed a snack to eat before my run, I wouldn't be feeling sick with no energy right now. If I'd gotten an earlier start, I wouldn't have needed to pack a snack, because my breakfast was proper fuel...it just didn't last long enough.  And I'd have had a much cooler run.

But no....I do things the hard way by nature.  At least I stuck to it and completed the workout.  That is some consolation.

I was so wiped out that I took a two hour nap when I got home.  Sunday, it poured all day, so I was very happy that my scheduled run had been on the prettier of the two days this weekend.  So far, I've managed to avoid any runs in the rain, but I know they're coming.  It's only a matter of time.  I cleaned house for two hours, which counted for good cardio time, so I ended the weekend on a positive note, and ate well both days.

This week, I intend to stay strictly on point with my food, to the best of my ability.  I intend to stay well-hydrated, and I will be running late enough in the day to avoid the heat.  My challenge will come with my Friday run.  We're supposed to be going out of town as soon as I leave work, so I'm not sure at the moment how I'm going to get that run in.  And Sunday, I will need to figure something out, as well, because that will be the day we travel home.  I'm not as worried about Sunday...I will have more leeway on that day than I will on Friday.

This is a life challenge.  These things will always come up, and if I'm really making this a life change like I keep telling myself, then I'd better find a way to make it work. And I'd better find a way to forgive myself when I screw up and move on to the next day, because every day is a fresh, new start.