The Process

Even though I know that my body is changing, building muscle as it's losing fat, it was still a bit discouraging to step on the scale last week and see no change.  I accounted this more to going out of town for the weekend and eating (and drinking) things I don't normally partake of, but it was still a success that I didn't gain.  That being said, I have noticed (and so has Keith) that my body has shifted significantly this past week, so I think I would have been much more disappointed today had I stepped on the scale to no change again than I was last week.  Last week, I was kind of prepared for that.

Fortunately, I was not disappointed. After two weeks, I finally saw a lower number: 235.2, for a total of 45.8 pounds lost so far. That also puts me in a lower BMI level, so I can mark another goal off my list, and that makes me very happy.

Goal	Significance	Date Met	Actual Weight
	Starting Weight, BMI 41 (severely obese)	10/14/2014	281
279	New Decade	1/5/2015	277.6
278	BMI 40	1/5/2015	277.6
271	BMI 39	1/12/2015	270.2
269	New Decade	1/16/2015	268.8
264	BMI 38	1/27/2015	263.6
259	New Decade	2/13/2015	257.8
257	BMI 37	2/20/2015	254.6
256	25 POUNDS LOST!!	2/20/2015	254.6
250	BMI 36	3/13/2015	246.6
249	New Decade	3/13/2015	246.6
243	BMI 35 (no longer severely obese, now just obese)	4/2/2015	241.8
239	New Decade	4/17/2015	238.8
236	BMI 34	5/8/2015	235.2
231	50 POUNDS LOST!!
229	New Decade, BMI 33
222	BMI 32
219	New Decade
216	BMI 31
209	New Decade, BMI 30
206	75 POUNDS LOST!!
202	BMI 29 (no longer obese, now just overweight)
199	New Decade, Onederland!
195	BMI 28
189	New Decade
188	BMI 27
181	BMI 26, 100 POUNDS LOST!!!
179	New Decade
174	BMI 25
170	GOAL!!!
169	New Decade
167	BMI 24 (no longer overweight)

I've really done a lot of soul searching the past couple of days against the possibility that I would see no change, and it made me realize that I'm really starting to accept the process part of this journey.  I've heard 'trust the process' so often, but I'm not sure that I really understood what that really meant until now. 

Simply put, the process is what I do every day; putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that I am taking every step I can take toward a healthier life.  That may or may not show on the scale, but it shows in my body.  It shows in my mind.  It shows in my attitude.  It shows in my ability...physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It registers in every aspect of my life that the steps I am taking are not wasted steps; they are, in fact, carrying me to the place I'm aiming for.

Those steps can just as easily take me the other way if I turn around.  But even if I never lose another pound, as long as I continue with this process that I am on, I will be healthier. And I will be happier.  And that means that I will achieve my ultimate goal.

This process is not a quick-fix until I get all the weight off.  My goal is not a numerical one, although I do use numbers to measure my progress.  It is the way I choose to live my life from now on.  Slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that accountability will always need to be factored into everything I do for the rest of my life, and that probably means that from now on, I will log in my food on a daily basis, and I will stay on some form of structured exercise program that I can tick off the proverbial checklist as I work toward a goal.  For me, that's what keeps me sane and motivated.

How I am eating now is not a crash diet that I will get sick of tomorrow; it is sustainable.  I am teaching myself to make the best choices for nutrition, in the right quantities for my body.  I am allowing for the occasional 'treat', not beating myself up over a bad day, but allowing it to motivate me to work harder the next.  Not limiting myself to any type of food has made me want the good stuff even more, and I am at a very good place right now; content with the decisions I am making, and not feeling deprived over the stuff I 'can't have'.  I'm just choosing not to eat it, and frankly, the better the choices I make, the more I find that I don't want the stuff I shouldn't eat, anyway.

Basically, I'm in the sweet spot right now.  And I'm enjoying every minute of it.  If that means that I don't register a loss on the scale next week, then I will the week after.  I know that because I am trusting the process that has gotten me this far, and I know that as long as I am taking all the steps, and I am aimed in the right direction, I will get there eventually.  It's just a matter of time.

I'm in no rush.  I've got the rest of my life to get it right.

Rain and Heat

It was pouring when I left work yesterday afternoon.  Big huge drops in a driving rain...just the kind you look forward to running in (KIDDING).  I was hating life for about five minutes.  That was how long it took to get out from under the little black cloud.  The rest of the sky was gorgeous.

(shrug)

Anyway, the track was steamy-wet when I got there, and although there was a cool after-breeze from the recent shower, I could tell from the way the sun was already beating down again that it wasn't going to last.

It didn't.  The heat turned brutal quickly, and I was very glad I had hydrated semi-well before my run.  In retrospect, I could have drank more, and I probably should have eaten a bit more, as well, but all things considered, I held out pretty well.    The last half a mile was brutal.  My body completely tanked, and fought me tooth and nail to stop, but I was able to keep on by reminding myself that the biggest part of the battle was in my head, not my body, and that it wasn't going to kick my butt!  That helped...a lot.  Boy, if I could just remember that the fattest part of my body is my brain, it would solve so many issues...

My time wasn't awesome.  I'd have liked to have seen a lower number, but I guess anything less than a 15:00 pace was probably pretty good.  I'm really struggling with my runs this week, and I think that it's directly related to how early in the afternoon I'm running, as opposed to my usual 6:30-7:00pm run time.  I think that works for me much better, because it's so much cooler then. 

I really wish I could have a schedule that would allow me to run first thing in the morning, and I wish even more that I had a good place to run that was close enough to the house that I could run, then go back to the house to shower and dress for work.  I'd run in the dark for that...I've done it before.  It just starts my day so much better when I can do that.  But that's not gonna happen...unless someone decides to relocate the high school out to the boonies.  I'm just gonna have to keep sucking it up.

I can do that.

Surprises

I have made it a goal this week to not work any overtime.  I need a break, and next week will be back to the old grind, but getting off at 3:30 every day after so much OT for so long seems like vaycay.  The great part is that I get home BEFORE exhaustion sets in, and there's plenty of time to do stuff still (case in point; we grilled last night....heaven!).  The bad part?  Having to run before the heat of the day has had a chance to dissipate.

Yesterday afternoon, it was hot.  Beautiful, but in a 'not a cloud in the sky' kinda way.  No cloud cover means no relief from the heat beating down on you, and I don't mind saying that it just saps the life right out of me when that happens.  Like most runners, I much prefer early morning or early evening, for that exact reason.  That was not to be, however; I have no place close enough to my house to run, which means I have to run while I'm in town. 

To top things off, 3:30 rolled around, and I realized I had been so busy all day that I hadn't even touched my water bottle yet....not good. Inadequate hydration + run day = bad day at Black Rock. 
Still...I was determined to give it my best shot, so I ate a Clif bar on my way out the door, and headed to town.  I drug my feet a bit at Walmart, which bought me another half-hour to let the shadows get a bit longer, and I headed back to the Tweetsie, thinking that it would be the shadiest place to run.

Since I had to run for 45 minutes, I decided to give the as-yet-unexplored portion of the trail a try.  At least I wouldn't get bored.  So I parked as close as possible, and timed my warm up so that I would be able to cross the one major intersection without hampering the running part of my program.  Once I started running, I didn't want to have to stop.

Right off, I knew I was in trouble.  My feet felt like lead, my whole body was tired and drained of energy, the heat was killing me, and I wanted to stop after the first tenth of a mile.  I knew this was going to be one of those runs that I would have to fight all the way through, just to be able to finish, but I was determined not to throw in the towel.  This was supposed to be a slow walk/run, so I decided that as awesome as my last run pace was, this one wasn't going to come near it...I just had no speed in me at all, and it was a wonder that I was able to do more than walk, as it was.  So...I just concentrated on laying one foot down in front of the other, and not stopping the run. I really, really didn't want to walk this.

This went on for 35 minutes.  I tried to calculate my time so that I would run five minutes farther on the out leg than I did on the back leg, to make up for the five minute warmup time.  But I keep forgetting that it's 45 minutes on TOP of the warm up, so I didn't go quite as far as I needed to (note to self) before turning around for home.  By the time I got to the final stretch (which was full sun...no shade at all), I was done.  I knew if I kept pushing myself, I was going to wind up in the dirt, and I felt like my pace was shot anyway, so I walked the better part of the last ten minutes, blowing like a Derby reject the whole way.  I ran when I could, but my legs were jello and had no strength at all.  I thought I'd never hear the 'workout complete' announcement, and almost cried from relief when I finally did.

I didn't look at the stats until I got back to the car and finished stretching.  Then, sitting in the shade behind the wheel, I took a peek, expecting it to be a disaster....

It was as bad as I thought. I usually start out a little rough, it takes a while to get my groove on, and then I start getting tired.  But even in the groove, my pace was 16:30.  Hell, I can walk that fast.  But it wasn't horrible, and considering the way I'd felt through the run, I was actually ok with it.

I felt considerably better, however, when I looked at the interval time as a whole...

16:29 sounds infinitely preferable to 16:30, don't you think?  I mean...after all, it is a whole hundredth of a second faster. 

I did my best not to beat myself up too much on the way home (all the while guzzling the water I should have drank earlier in the day).  I did run, and I did run most of the way, even as overly humid and underly hydrated as the case was. 

But what really got me was the email I received about halfway home...

Are you freaking kidding me right now?  Elevation?? What elevation?  There was elevation?  I was running too slow to notice, but I made up my mind then and there that I was gonna look at that bad boy when I got home.

Getting out of the car was a treat.  I wobbled all the way into the house and barely got to the couch before completely collapsing.  I may not have run great, I decided...but whatever I did, it was a workout and a half.  Sitting there, still trying to recoup, I looked up the run stats on the Runkeeper website....

OMG...I WAS RUNNING STRAIGHT UPHILL THE WHOLE FIRST HALF!!! No wonder it kicked my tail!!

Looking at it in that light, it's pretty apparent now why my pace was so much slower than Saturday's pace, and why I felt so sapped so quickly (sun notwithstanding).  Looking at it in that light, I'm pretty freaking amazed at the pace I did run, and very, very proud of myself for sticking to it and going the distance.  Every day, with every run, I'm proving to myself that I CAN DO THIS!!!

Weekend Update

 I wound up having to work all day Saturday, which was a bummer, since it was perfect, weather-wise.  That's how it rolls sometimes, though...and we just have to make the best of it.  Since it was so nice, though, I was a bit apprehensive about the two mile run I had scheduled for that afternoon, but I needn't have worried about it.    By the time I left work at 6:30, the sun was casting long shadows, so the trail was nice and shady.  I decided to run the Tweetsie Trail, since it was late enough for most of the families with small children to be home eating dinner.   I really love the Tweetsie, and feel very lucky that we have such an awesome reclaimed greenspace in our little town to take advantage of...the Tweetsie being a decomissioned, repurposed railroad bed running from Johnson City to the east.  My worst concern is that more and more families are beginning to use it to go walking or biking, and as much as I love my community becoming so much more active, as a(n unsteady) runner, it concerns me to be sharing the trail with little ones who could dart out in front of me and cause me to zig when I should be zagging.   

 I don't want to hurt myself, and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else.  Despite that, though, the trail seemed pretty quiet, so I parked close to the end where most of the commercial real estate ends and the trail goes residential.  It's quieter on that stretch, and there are less roads to cross, so I don't have to stop so much.  The last time I ran on the trail, I only had to run a mile and a half, and I tried to judge my distance so I'd be running half way out and half way back.  This time, I decided to run to the last big street crossing (not quite two miles) and double back from there.  I knew that would make for a much longer walk back to the car, but that was ok...it was a gorgeous evening, and I was eager to get those steps in.  Besides, it would give me a chance to work out the kinks on the way.                                                           

The run felt good.  My body felt pretty solid all the way through, and although I did start laboring pretty well toward the end, my Runkeeper app's updates every five minutes let me know that my average pace was staying pretty stable...no great fluctuations, and although I dropped just a bit toward the end, the updates helped me push a bit harder so I wouldn't drop any farther down.  The app told me at the end of my run that I had had an average time of 16:15-ish, so I was thinking that it was a bit slower than the last run I had....but I was wrong. 

Less that 15:00??? Oh, boy...I never expected that so soon!  To say that I was pleased was a serious understatement.  I finished my walk back to the car in a state of euphoria.

 

Sunday was another beautiful day, and I had planned to do a good bit of housecleaning, but my body screamed the moment I put my feet on the floor, so I knew that was out.  I did manage to get laundry done for the week, and a few other odds and ends, but mainly it was all about rest and recouperation.  I should have taken a very hot shower the minute I got home to help loosen my muscles.  I should have taken an ibuprofen to help this aging body get a good night's sleep.  But the lesson learned here is not to put these things off, just because I feel good in the moment.  It's like stretching....forget, and you pay a steep price.

 

I know that it will take a while for my muscles to readjust to regular running, again.  I'm still toning, I'm still strengthening, and these things take time.  I just have to be patient, listen to my body, and know that right now, it's like a toddler who may protest vehemently that they do not need a nap.  Time has a way of proving otherwise.

 

 

 

Oh, hail!

Last night's run was, in a word....wild.  I sat trackside in my car for almost half an hour waiting for the drizzling rain to subside before I started my run.  I could see the back edge of the cloud, so I figured I could wait it out.  Right before the back edge got to me, though, the rain stopped, so I decided to go for it.

I hate running in the rain.  It's the cold, the wet, the fear of slipping....but mostly, it's the chafing. Gah!  I really hate running in the rain.  Unless it's in the middle of summer, and dead hot.  Because then, it's refreshing.  And I'll suffer the chafing on a seriously hot day, if it means getting through my run.  Besides...in heat, you don't stay wet. 

But this time of year....well, that's a completely different story. 

I had made it halfway through my warm-up lap and was on the far side of the track (always) when the rain started again.  At first, it was just a drizzle, but it was enough to make me miserable.  But by the time I had finished that lap, I figured I was already wet, and I really, really wanted to finish my run.  So, I kept on. 

In the middle of the first interval, the wind picked up.  And when I say wind, I really mean gale.  It was ferocious, and by 'ferocious', I mean 'blowing track equipment into the track' ferocious.  My arms went numb, and so did my calves, all exposed to the elements.  But I kept on.

Coming around the far side of the track the second time, I noticed that the rain drops were getting much bigger....and then they started bonking off the top of my head. Hail.  Not big hail, but big enough.

Great...so now, I'm freezing wet, AND getting bonked in the head.  But I kept on, and I FINISHED MY FREAKING RUN.

 



And even in such a strong headwind, I managed to do better than last week.  Well, at least until the last interval.  I was completely sapped by then.  But I'm proud of myself, and I just proved to myself ONCE AGAIN that I do have what it takes to get there.  I just have to keep myself steady, and put in the work.

Oh, did I mention that the rain stopped completely right about the time I finished my run?  Yeah...

 My weigh-in this morning was not what I'd hoped for, but it was what I'd been shooting for, so I consider my goal obtained.  After all that partying last weekend, I was really looking for maintenance this week, and that's what I got.  No movement on the scale. That being said, I can still tell subtle differences in my body, so I know that I did lose some fat and gained some muscle, which pleases me greatly.  Next week, I do expect to see a loss, so we'll see.  For now, it's back to work!

Caution: Rant Ahead

To the girl at the track last night who thought it was ok to bring her dog, shut the gate and let it loose while I was running,

This is a middle school track.  It is not a dog park, nor is it a play pen for your oversized baby.  There are people here who are serious about their health, who are being seriously disturbed by your badly behaved dog. It's not the dog's fault that it wants to play.  It's just being a dog. Barking, chasing, and darting around runners' feet, some who are very unsteady, sluggish, or clumsy to begin with, is not the dog's fault.  It's yours, for allowing the dog's behavior to continue; for not immediately releashing your dog when you saw that it was causing problems.  For some of these runners and walkers, it has taken every single thing they have to get out there and make that workout count, and the amount of angst and discouragement they feel at this unwelcome interruption may just be enough to completely derail their efforts and cause them not to come back at all.

But you don't care.  You're too busy doing your own thing on the far side of the track to notice.

This is not exclusively your track.  You do not have the right to commandeer it for your own personal use, simply because you want to do a two-fer and get your lunges in while walking your dog.  You do not have the right to close the big, rolling, rusted gate that will not freely open, thereby denying egress to others just because you want your dog to be able to run free while you swing your arms.  It's not safe to anyone to be caught behind a fence with no easy way out....what if your dog should cause an unsteady runner to trip on the asphalt and get severe road rash, sprain or strain something, or worse, break a bone? 

But you don't care.  You're too busy checking the fit of your shorts.

This is a track that is used by children.  Children who, because of the nature of football, soccer, track and field events, or simple physical fitness, are constantly falling in, dropping down on, or rolling around in the grass on the infield....where your dog may or may not have been peeing while you ran the bleachers.  Or worse.

But you don't care.  You're not the one who will have to go home in disgrace after being ridiculed by the whole class for having dog shit smeared all over them.

This is a track that has been graciously left open for public use. How long do you think that will last, if people start complaining about you bringing your dog?  Probably not long.  People who are not so far along on their journey to better health depend on the security and privacy of being able to work out in a safe place away from public scrutiny.  To them, this place is their sanctuary....a place where they can be alone with their selves for a little while to concentrate on the one person they most often neglect.

But you don't care.  To you, it's just a stupid track.  There are plenty of other places.

But sister, you need to understand that it's MY track as much as it is yours.  I know you saw how furious I was when I left, and I hope you realize how lucky you were that I chose to leave instead of confronting you in anger.  Your actions may have run me off last night, but you will not run me off again, I assure you.  And next time,  IF there is a next time, I'll be making a phone call to animal control.  Maybe if you have to pay a healthy fine to get your precious back, you'll think twice about how your actions affect other people.

Maybe.  But I doubt it.

Sincerely,

Older, More Experienced, and Much, Much Wiser

Birthday Weekend Wrap-Up

We had an awesome time in Chattanooga! Ok...let me back up a bit...

I left work two hours early on Friday afternoon so that I could get my Friday run in.  I ran slow (hah!) and easy, and had no trouble with my knee, thank goodness, so I was able to complete the run and do well.  Just knowing that I stayed on track with that gave me a tremendous boost going into the weekend.  Friday night, we met Keith's brother and sister-in-law in Chattanooga, and had a few drinks in the hotel bar while we caught up.  Since I had done well all day on plan (and hydrated WELL), I had the calories to spare, and I ordered a cup of gumbo for dinner and stayed with straight liquor on the rocks instead of a mixed drink...much fewer calories!  So, Friday was a definite success, all around.

Saturday was a very busy day for us all.  We started with a late buffet breakfast in the hotel (veggie omelet and some melon for me), followed by a tour of the Chattanooga Whiskey distillery (including a flight...yes, flight...of whiskey), a quick peek inside the Chattanooga Choo-Choo Hotel, which is undergoing renovation, a delightful lunch (salmon and veggies) at the Terminal Restaurant (and another whiskey while we waited), a tour of the National Towing and Recovery Museum (not nearly as boring as it sounds), a tour of the DeBarge Winery distillery (with a flight of wine samples, natch), and finishing up with a wonderful dinner (and another whiskey) at the Blue Water Grill ( more salmon and veggies...yumm!! But this time, a few bites of shared dessert at the end). Even with the alcohol consumption, and the dessert at the end, I only went over my daily calorie allotment marginally, so I consider that a huge success. We played a quick game of cards before bed, and turned in at a reasonable hour with plans to meet up for breakfast at 9am the next morning.

My original plan, as I had stated Friday, was to get up early and run before everyone else was up.  I had already done my recon work and found that the Chattanoogan Hotel where we stayed (beautiful facility, btw...highly recommend!) did indeed have a quite nice workout room (and spa, and pool...and I digress) complete with treadmills, so I felt like I was all set.  I got up, and immediately started searching my purse for the Clif Bar I had brought for just this occasion...to no avail.  Even after turning my purse literally inside out, I could not find it.  And I knew better than to try to run that early in the morning with no fuel, so I crawled back in the bed with my hubby, grumbling to myself, and resolving to run that afternoon or die trying so as not to break my so-far-perfect record.

We had a wonderful, leisurly breakfast at the Tupelo Honey Cafe (salmon and asparagus omelet for me( and about half a biscuit...serious no-no, but oh, so wonderful!) before saying goodbye to our cohorts and heading back to the Tri-Cities.  The weather all weekend was wonderful...overcast and cool, but not raining as had been predicted.  We couldn't have asked for more!

We stopped just before we got back into town, and I grabbed a grilled chicken sandwich before dropping off Keith and heading toward the track.  I had made sure to stay hydrated as well as possible all weekend, especially since I knew there would be alcohol involved, and I was very glad when I got to the track.  I felt good, my knee was pretty solid, and I ran steady to the end, averaging a 15:21 pace over 3.31 miles.  I was very happy with that, and again, I stayed well within my calories all day.

I'm back solidly on track this morning, and it feels really good.  Although I feel like I made great choices all weekend (with my food, at least, lol), I can tell the difference in my body, and I'm ready to feel 'clean' again....meaning the way I feel when I'm eating as clean as I usually do.  My body is thanking me already, and I've only had breakfast so far.

It's really nice to get away for a weekend here and there.  It's nice to know that I can have a great time right along with everyone else, and not go overboard.  There will always be situations like this going forward, and I don't ever want to feel like I'm the 'odd man out', because I 'have to be good'.  Rather, as long as my head's in the right place, and I approach the trip with a plan and some common sense, there is no reason why I can't reasonably enjoy myself right along with everyone else.  Did I stay perfectly on plan this weekend?  Decidedly not.  Did I make the best, healthiest choices I could under the circumstances?  Aside from a couple of bites of dessert and half a biscuit, I'd say yes, I did.  And a few drinks and/or a few bites of something off plan once every few months is not going to make or break my routine or my results.  It's when that becomes a daily occurrence that it becomes an issue. 

As long as I continue to work this plan, this plan is going to continue to work for me; of that, I have no doubt.  The important thing is that I keep working it....every single day.

Weekly Weigh-In

It's Friday....time to step on the scale, and I was not disappointed this morning. So far on this journey, I have not had a week yet that I haven't lost something, even if it was only a half of a pound.  This morning was no exception...237. I am down another 1.8 pounds, for a total loss of 44 pounds so far, and I am very happy with that.

This weekend is going to be full of challenges, starting today.  I am scheduled to run this afternoon, and although I'm looking forward to it, I'm also wary.  My knee is not 100%, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about it.  So, the plan is to run, but to run tentatively, to not give it my all, and feel it as I go.  If I feel twinges or pain, I will stop.  It will not be a great pace, but at least I will get the run in and not fall behind in my training.  The last thing I want to do is to have to stop at this stage of the game, just when I'm really making great progress.

After my run, Keith and I are hitting the road.  His birthday is on Monday, so I'm kidnapping him this weekend for a fun time with his brother and sister-in-law in Chattanooga.  Can't wait to see his face when we get there!  He has no idea that they are involved at all...only that he has to pack, lol.

Because this is a celebration weekend, I am not planning to take any food with me. Although we've traveled before, I've always packed my food, so this will be the first time I will be relying on my common sense to get me through the next two days.  I think I will do fine, not worried at all.  My next run will be Sunday, and it is scheduled to be my long run.  I tanked last Saturday, so...knee willing...I'm hoping to go into this one much better prepared.  If there is a treadmill at the hotel, then my plan is to get up early Sunday morning and run before the others get going, but my alternate plan is to run after I get home Sunday evening.  That is a poor choice, because I have no idea how late we'll be getting home, but at least I do have a backup plan.  I do NOT want to skip my runs unless my knee absolutely demands it.  They have become way too important to me.

So...that's my plan, and I'm sure there will be rich food and delightful drink set before me all weekend.  But knowing that I have already planned my steps in advance makes me feel so strong and prepared that I believe I will do well...and I know that we will have an awesome time!

Intervals!

I was super-happy with the results of my run on Monday.  At this stage of the game, a sub-15 is like the holy grail to me.  What I have loved with this Runkeeper plan that I never actually saw with the Couch to 5K plan (although I don't actually know why) is the staggeringly consistent improvement I'm seeing with every run.  Maybe it's the plan...maybe it's just me.  I dunno.  But I am incredibly impressed and motivated every time I see the results of my runs.

Last night, I started off feeling so good.  My body felt solid, and other than drinking a little too much water before I got started (if you know what I mean), I knew that I was in for a good run.  I started off really strong, but somewhere in the third interval, I came down funny on my right leg and felt my knee seize up.  That is never a good sign, so I eased back a bit after that, which you can see reflected in my split times.

 

10:10?? Are you freaking kidding me??

I've had my moments in the past...no doubt.  But I don't think I've ever been able to sustain speeds like I saw last night for as long as I did.  Even after my knee seized up, I was still seeing 11's, and that just amazes me beyond belief!  Yes....it was only for a minute each time.  But a minute can seem like an eternity when you're 70 pounds overweight.

Now....my knee.  The ligaments in the back of my knee had already been feeling extra tight this week.  I've been doing stretches before and after each run, but whenever I start running, there are usually areas (hip and groin issues spring to mind) that have to....shall we say, adapt..?...to the new norm.  I thought this was probably the same, but when I went all out last night, my knee just kind of folded under the added stress, I think.  Anyway, I can walk on it just fine, as long as I don't try to move too quickly or sharply.  What this means for my running in the short term remains to be seen, though....hopefully, I'll be feeling solid enough to run tomorrow night.

Monday --> RUNday :)

Lord, I've forgotten just how much I love running. There is something about leaving all the stresses of the world behind you and just zoning in to the rhythm of your feet pounding the pavement.  Nothing like it, I swear.  Doesn't matter how fast you are...it matters that you're clearing the cobwebs and going home refreshed.

Yes, refreshed. Not in body, maybe...but most definitely in mind, which is just as important, if not more so.

Last night was in a word...awesome.  Seriously.  I know I am in severe danger of overusing that word, but there is no other description that fits.  The weather was overcast, threatening rain. The wind was refreshing, the temperature cool.  The stars were aligned.  And after a little over a week, I had a sub 15:00 run.

My legs felt good, not rubbery like on Saturday.  My strength was not sapped from heat or lack of fuel.  My body was hydrated well.  And I ran strong.

I am so stinkin' proud of myself.  And I can not wait until tomorrow.  On the agenda: intervals!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This weekend was full of ups and downs.  Friday night, fresh off a 2 pound loss that morning, I had my first binge since I've started this journey.  It wasn't a big one...I had bought a can of cashews on the way home, because I was starving.  Of an 8.5 ounce can, I (cautiously and responsibly) ate about 2 ounces, put it away, and logged it.  That was good, and I was proud of myself.  After we ate dinner, I logged that, and realized that the nuts had pushed me to my calorie limit for the day with just a dozen or so to spare....and I was relieved, but it was a big wakeup call for me to see how close I had come. 

• Who knows if one extra would push me over the limit? 
• Who knows that I ate exactly two ounces to begin with? 
• What if I was already unknowingly over the limit? 

Oh, gawd...deliver me from over-analyzation.  The more I sat there and thought about it, the more that damned cashew can called my name until nothing would do other than to go shut it up.  So I did.  I went and got it, thinking 'just a few more'.  That was the bad.  I am firmly convinced that the road to Hell is not paved with good intentions, it's paved with justification. 

One cashew at a time, I sat there with that can in front of the tv, and I munched until there was only about half an ounce left.  With every cashew, the guilt mounted, but it wasn't enough to stop me.  That was the ugly....and it is what has stayed with me all weekend.  Why?  Why, after finally hitting such an amazing goal that morning was I driven to self-destruct mode? Looking back, I can see that pattern repeating itself time and time again over the years, and I really want to find out the answer to that more than any other single thing. I'm hoping that this time, I will.

I think that little black cloud stuck with me for most of the rest of my weekend.  Saturday was beautiful, and I got up, made a great breakfast, enjoyed it with my coffee, got dressed and headed into town for my long run.  I was pretty stoked about it, but I had to make a stop before I ran that took longer than I wanted to take, and consequently, my tank was pretty empty going into that run.  I should have eaten. I should have run earlier.  I would have done much better with my run if I hadn't battled heat, exhaustion, and guilt from the night before.  The only thing I did right was to hydrate, and that, at least I did well.

It was not enough to get me through the run, though.  I tanked out about 3/4 of the way through and did a lot of walking toward the end, cursing myself the whole way.  If I hadn't eaten those damned cashews, I wouldn't be feeling so sluggish right now.  If I'd packed a snack to eat before my run, I wouldn't be feeling sick with no energy right now. If I'd gotten an earlier start, I wouldn't have needed to pack a snack, because my breakfast was proper fuel...it just didn't last long enough.  And I'd have had a much cooler run.

But no....I do things the hard way by nature.  At least I stuck to it and completed the workout.  That is some consolation.

I was so wiped out that I took a two hour nap when I got home.  Sunday, it poured all day, so I was very happy that my scheduled run had been on the prettier of the two days this weekend.  So far, I've managed to avoid any runs in the rain, but I know they're coming.  It's only a matter of time.  I cleaned house for two hours, which counted for good cardio time, so I ended the weekend on a positive note, and ate well both days.

This week, I intend to stay strictly on point with my food, to the best of my ability.  I intend to stay well-hydrated, and I will be running late enough in the day to avoid the heat.  My challenge will come with my Friday run.  We're supposed to be going out of town as soon as I leave work, so I'm not sure at the moment how I'm going to get that run in.  And Sunday, I will need to figure something out, as well, because that will be the day we travel home.  I'm not as worried about Sunday...I will have more leeway on that day than I will on Friday.

This is a life challenge.  These things will always come up, and if I'm really making this a life change like I keep telling myself, then I'd better find a way to make it work. And I'd better find a way to forgive myself when I screw up and move on to the next day, because every day is a fresh, new start.

At Last...Progress!

I feel like it took me MONTHS to get out of the 240's, but realistically, it only took me six weeks (hah!).  I'm hoping that is what a plateau looks like to me....movement, but excruciatingly slow.  I have yet to have a week with no loss, thank God.  But I'm really happy to report that I AM now officially out of that damned decade and on to greater things.  I lost two pounds this week for a total of 42 lost, and am now at 238.8.  Hopefully, this decade will only take me a couple of weeks to dust and I'll be rockin' the 220's before I know it!

I was so antsy all day yesterday, leading up to my run last night.  I'm really loving that I'm so looking forward to my runs again. They don't feel like a chore any more, more like a treat that I have to wait for.  I contribute a lot of this to the fact that I'm having to wait a day between each run, which has me chomping at the bit to get out there...a very good thing at this point in the program.

Last night, the run felt very heavy to me.  I made sure to eat good before going out, but I'm not sure that I hydrated well enough early enough in the day to do me any good on the track.  I always run with a water bottle, a habit I will probably need to think about breaking at some point (way down the road), but I really need to be hydrated before I step on the track to keep my energy level up.  Still, I battled through it and did really well, I think.  I shaved a couple of minutes off my Sunday run, which was basically the same run.  Although a 15:31 pace is still turtle-worthy, it's pretty good for ME, starting out again, and I'm happy with it.

I'm already drumming my fingers, waiting for tomorrow. I'm gonna get out there early.

Tuesday Runs

I had a blast last night.

Before, when I was running, I ran every day except for Sunday.  I never had a training program, I just ran. At first, I couldn't even make it a quarter of the way around the track.  But then I learned how to pace myself, and found that the endurance became easier and easier, and I could run for longer and longer distances.  My standard short run became a three-miler.  I would usually run that on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday, I would up it by a mile, and then another on Friday, with a long run (six miles) on Saturday. Sunday was my rest day. That became my norm....to just plod the designated amount of miles every day, happy that I could go the distance, but wishing I wasn't such a turtle about it.

No wonder I never built up any speed.

This time, I'm trying to train smarter.  This time, I'm using a training schedule that incorporates interval training, fartleks, and tempo runs to help accustom my body to running at faster paces, longer.  And this time, it's working.

Last night, I ran intervals.  And I felt wicked good doing them.  Not only did I run faster, but I shaved a minute and a half off my Sunday run time.  As a matter of fact, I felt so good, I didn't want to stop when the run was over, so I queued up another workout and walked another mile after the run.  And this morning, I'm not sore at all....unlike Sunday.  So my body must be improving.

It's a good thing I was able to run last night, because today, it's going to be pouring all day. It rained yesterday too, but it was my run day, and I wasn't going to give it up, even if it meant running soaking wet.  Fortunately, I didn't have to....the rain had stopped by the time I left work, and held off long enough for me to get my workouts done and get home before the bottom fell out again.  I considered that a major victory.

Today is a rest day for me. I'd like to have gotten a walk in, but whether I do or don't, the endorphins from last night will be enough to carry me through until tomorrow...my next run day.

I can't wait.

Another Milestone

I'm celebrating today!  It's the 100th day I've been on this journey, and I'm still going strong. The last 100 days have been really good, all things considered.  I can't even say I've had any bad days, so far.  I've had a couple that I've been a bit...shall we say, uneasy about, days that I know I could have done better.  But I'm proud to say that I've had no binges, I've done well with my water about 99% of the time, and true to my plan, I have gotten back on the track, and loving it.

If I had to say, I would have liked to have been more active over the past 100 days.  But given the weather conditions over the winter and my abominable overtime issues, I think I've done pretty well, all things considered.  I'm very much looking forward to running more (this afternoon, in fact...although it's raining like crazy right now, and set to do so the rest of the day).  Running for me only fuels my mental fire. It doesn't hurt that it does crazy good things for my body as well, but my biggest weight loss issues have always been mental, and probably always will be. Still, I've turned a corner now.  I can tell, because I'm obsessing about the track again.  I am impatient to get back on it, even though I know how grueling it will be while I'm doing it.  I think about it all day long, and I got really irritable yesterday when I left work, it was perfect weather to run...and I realized it was my 'off' day.

Grrr.

I know I'm going to get wet this afternoon. I do not care. I'm going to run in the rain, I'm going to laugh while I'm doing it, and I'm going to celebrate 100 days of healthy living!

Spring has Sprung!

Wow! What a glorious weekend!  The weather was perfect, including the temps, and my whole body just screamed to get out and enjoy it.  I spent two hours Saturday morning cleaning house, which counted for my cardio that day.  Then I met my friend Tracy to do some car shopping before heading to my in-laws' for dinner.  We got home just after dark to a clean house. I jumped in the shower before heading to bed....what is it about a clean body in freshly washed sheets that feels so exotic, I wonder?

Anyway, since I had gotten so much done on Saturday, I had looked forward to a lazy Sunday, just chilling all day. But Tracy had the Spring Bug and wanted to get out again, so I agreed to ride into town to cut her hair for her.  And since I was going into town anyway...

I had already signed up for a 5K training class on my runkeeper app. I've never really used it before, always preferred endomondo, but since I found that course, I decided to sign up and give it a try.  It just happened to start on Sunday, so I got to the track and booted both apps for comparison.  Definitely liked the runkeeper better....it called out time and pace every five minutes. It also syncs with myfitnesspal, and facebook too, and I was able to complete the first day of my training. 

This course has you running every other day for 8 weeks, and I found out this morning that if I stay on track, I will complete it exactly one week before the Covered Bridge 5k....perfect!  So...that is my goal.  I've already printed out the registration form and have it hanging over my desk at work to keep me motivated.

After my run (a mile and a half solid, by the way, with a warm-up and cool down lap, for a total of two miles done. :) ), I headed to the grocery store to stock up for the week, grabbed us some dinner (a burger for Keith, a salad for me) and some gas, and headed home, feeling extremely accomplished.

Yes, I may have gotten to bed a little later than I should have, and I did lose another hour of sleep around 2:00 in the morning when the coyotes decided to visit...but I still woke up feeling great (besides a little soreness in my quads), and full of energy. 

Today is a rest day. I will be working late all this week, so I will probably try to work an extra hour tonight to free up time tomorrow night, and I should still have enough time when I get home to do my day one workout, which is really short.  That's my plan, anyway.

Man, I wish every weekend could feel like this one did.

Processing...please wait...

I'm not going to lie. I'm having a very hard time processing my weigh-in results this morning.  I had tried to convince myself that I would be happy maintaining this week, after our trip.  I even said so in my last blog entry.  But I didn't maintain, I actually lost a pound.  After non-plan food.  After no exercise.  After LOTS of eating out. 

AFTER ALCOHOL.

I lost a pound.  And I almost feel like crying.

It's stupid....it's so stupid to feel that way after such a victory, but I just can't seem to help it.  (Yes, yes, I know all feelings are valid, and it's unreasonable to call them 'stupid'.  But above all things on this blog, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and if all feelings are valid, then the fact that I feel that it's stupid to feel that way must be valid, too.  Just go with it.) 

I have been thinking about it all morning, trying to reason it out, trying to understand this feeling: 

• Am I discouraged?  No....not really.  I have no deadline on this weight loss, no 'goal date' I want to lose it by.  There is a reason for that...this is a lifestyle change for me, a learning process to better manage my health for the rest of my life, and as such, I can't even begin to think of an 'end game', because for me, there will never be one. I will always have to carefully watch and manage my intake and activity, from now on.  So...the action of losing weight for me is a by-product of that lifestyle change, not the actual goal. My goal is health and long life. But my weight loss IS a measurement of my progress toward that goal, and I view it as such.
• Am I angry?  No, definitely not.  I am actually very pleased that I was able to get any weight off this week, and even at a 'measly' pound, all forward motion counts. It is still measurable progress toward my goal of good health.
• Am I sad?  Nope. Not in the least. I'm happy to have been able to see that graph go down another notch.  Regardless of how deep it went, it's better than flatlining, any day.

No....I think it's just frustration.

• After five weeks and counting, I'm still in the 240's.  I'm sick of getting on the scale and seeing that number four in the tens' place. I've been ready to see a three there for the past three weeks, and I'm STILL a pound away.
• I am a pound away from hitting the next goal on my list.
• I am 9.8 pounds away from the 50-pounds-lost mark, which I REALLY wanted to hit before we go to Chattanooga in two weeks to celebrate Keith's birthday.

Here's the thing; frustration never killed anyone. It's just made them miserable.  And I have to decide today whether I want to stay miserable, or if I want to get the hell over it and move on.  Today is a new day, and it's the start of a new week.  I can either wallow in self-pity, or I can get off my butt and make this week count.

• I can eat clean, and stay on point this week.
• After a two month stall due to the weather and my crazy schedule, I can finally, finally get MOVING again.
• I can keep a positive attitude.
• I can make each day the best it can possibly be.
• I can remove every reason for failure that is possible to remove, so that when I get on that scale next Friday, I will have killed that weigh-in.  And the momentum will be enough to carry me through the week after.

In other words, I can have faith in myself, and patience, and I can ROCK this!

Weekend Recap

The weekend was, in a word, AWESOME.  I mean from start to finish, it was awesome.  We took our time going down to Atlanta on Thursday, and although we ate out most of the day, I ate responsibly.  Thursday afternoon and Friday were work days for us, and although I stayed extremely conscious of what I ate, I actually wound up eating very little of what I had taken with me. I didn't need to. It's a fortunate thing that my sister-in-law is very health-conscious of what she feeds her family, and makes much from scratch.  So I was able to eat very well and still stay within my boundaries.

I did have a shot of spiced rum after dinner.  And it was yummy.  And I did count every drop of those empty calories.  And I did still stay within my limit. Yay!

Saturday was party day.  A delicious, all-natural, organic meal at an amazing event put on by my sister for my mother's 80th birthday.  A great time with family and friends, followed by an amazing hen party at my mom's (where I forewent the pizza and opted for a couple of slices of ham, instead), and an evening out with Keith and our daughter, Jessica.  We went bar-hopping, something neither Keith or myself has done in YEARS (or really wanted to now, lol), and I am proud to say that I had three shots, all within my limits.

Sunday was part church, part rest, part work, and part fellowshipping with family.  We had a great time, and it was the perfect way to wrap up the weekend before our trip home on Monday.  We took our time coming back, and again...although every meal was eaten on the road, I was very careful of the content and stayed within my limits.

I'm very proud of myself, and consider it a victory if I only maintained this week.  I don't believe that I did, though...I already feel as though I've lost a bit, which will be amazing if it turns out to be true.  I did my best, even with the alcohol, to stay on track and drink all my water or more, so I'm happy no matter what the outcome.  I could not have had a better time, so if I can come out of it with a maintenance weigh-in, I will have proved to myself that I can do this for the long haul, and do it beautifully.

Weekend Challenge

Well....I made one goal, but came just shy of another one. Still very happy, and only slightly disappointed that I didn't make it. I'm down another 2 pounds this morning, which puts me at 241.8...a total of 39.2 pounds lost.  This is awesome, no doubt...especially given that I had to weigh one day early this week. We're going out of town this weekend, headed to Atlanta as I type. It's a business trip with a lot of pleasure thrown in, and I expect to see a lot of family that hasn't seen me since the second week after I started.

I had really wanted to go down and be able to say that I'd lost 40 pounds so far, but dangit, I'm .8 shy of being able to say that. It was the goal I didn't meet. I came close, though! I am at a lower BMI, however, so I can mark that off my list of goals as accomplished.

This weekend will be full of challenges, just as much as the last time we went. But I'm a little better prepared this time, I think. I went out last night and bought a nice rolling cooler. This morning, I packed it full of all my food for the weekend, so I'm all ready. And the cooler means I won't have to be embarrassed about taking up all the room in our hosts' refrigerator, like I was last time.

I'm feeling strong, my resolution is firmly in place, I have tons of energy, and it's April, which means I can get back to the track! My plan is to start next week the day after we get back, but if I can manage to slip away and sneak in a workout while we're gone, so much the better!

No stress, though, either way. If I do, I'll just count it as a bonus. ;-)

The Birth of a Binger

I've been seriously addicted to a weight-loss blog I've been following for the past couple of years, now. The author goes through such a mental process with her writing that I just can't seem to get enough.  There's a lot more to getting healthy than just losing the weight that's on your body.  You have to work on the fat in your head, too, which she does beautifully.

In going through some old posts of hers this morning from a few years back, discussing the impact her parents' divorce had on her, I ran across this bit that made me do some hard thinking:

The birth of my binge eating problem had nothing to do with my parents as people but everything to do with my own need to find a coping mechanism; as a 12, 13 year old kid, I wasn't thinking about anything other than how to make the hurt go away. No one is more or less guilty.

My binge eating started early, too...about nine or ten, as I recall, in the period of time directly after my mother died.  Both my siblings were a good bit older than me, and had, for different reasons, moved out of the house, either directly preceeding or directly after her death (my sister got married; my brother went off to college).  For the first time in my life, I was coming home to an empty house every day.  And that emptiness rattled in my bones.

Waiting for my father to come home from work every day seemed to take an eternity.  I filled the time watching TV and binging on whatever looked remotely interesting in the pantry.  I can vividly recall finding a jar of Tang instant breakfast drink (think freeze-dried Sunny D), and eating the powder like Lick-em-aid candy.  My poor, newly-widowed father, not having any clue as to what the depths of the pantry contained at that point, never missed it.  And I got by with pretty much cleaning out the pantry unnoticed.

That started two trends for me; eating to fill the void, and eating in secret...and I started packing on the pounds.  "Puberty", they said.  "She'll grow out of it."  But I was a late bloomer, and all my insecurities started adding up.  Puberty did not see me grow out of it.  Instead of growing lean as I grew tall, I just....grew.  My height made me stick out at school, and I became the 'amazon'....the 'linebacker'...the girl who didn't want to dress out for P.E.  And thus started the slide.

I've always contributed my binging to boredom in the past....being a latchkey kid in the 70's.  But I think my blogger friend had the right idea....in the immediate aftermath of my mother's death from a fatal disease at a far-too-young age, I too wasn't thinking about anything other than how to make the hurt go away.

I've blamed myself for my actions during that time period so much over the years; I know that now.  I've kicked that latchkey kid a million times in my head for her 'laziness', her reaction to boredom. I've regretted that start to my downward spiral, blaming my family bitterly for leaving me alone to fend for myself, for not noticing my self-destructive behavior, not thinking about how badly each one of us must have been hurting at that time.  When I wasn't blaming them, I was blaming myself for not getting off my ass and being active, for not keeping my nose out of the TV and out of that damned pantry.  But I've never, not once, thought of my behavior as a way to cope with the profound loss of my mother.  Looking back now with new eyes, I'm thinking that maybe it's time to forgive my family, and especially that little girl whose world had just been turned upside down.  Instead of condemnation, I'm starting to see that what she really needed was assurance that everything was going to be alright....and a really, really big hug.

Conflicted

I'm very mixed up and confused about my weigh-in this week.  And I've put off posting to try to work out my feelings and maybe compose my thoughts a little, but it didn't seem to be working, so rather than put it off any longer, maybe I'll just try to work through it while I ramble.

I felt kinda meh all week. Fine, but I didn't really feel like I'd lost anything.  Although not exactly on point with my eating, I did watch my food and intake very carefully, and never went above my calorie allotment once.  I got all my water in, but I never got the chance to exercise.  So I had very mixed feelings at my weigh-in on Friday morning.

247.  A two pound gain.

There could be several reasons for this, but the most likely culprit is probably that three nights in a row, Keith called me to pick up dinner on my way home.  So....Tuesday night, it was Chick-fil-a, Wednesday night, Chinese, and Thursday night, Zaxby's.  I ate grilled chicken salads, except for Wednesday night, when I got curry chicken and hot and sour soup, which I divided into two portions, and had the second half for lunch on Thursday.  But still....the sodium must have been horrific.

So...I decided to weigh again on Saturday morning, AFTER I had eaten strictly on point all day and drank twice my normal intake of water to flush my system.  And lo, and behold....I was back down to 243.8....a 1 1/2 pound loss.  And much more acceptable.

(TMI Alert!) After breakfast, my tummy started rumbling, and I realized that my system had been very sluggish all week, which probably also contributed to my meh-ness and water retention.  Once my...er...business had concluded, I felt tremendously more like myself....lighter and full of energy, which I had been lacking this week.  All this, I contribute to the fact that I started on some serious vitamin supplements this week, which contain iron....known for causing folks to be...er....irregular.  At least until their systems get used to it.

So....although I AM down this week, I'm not feeling great about it.  I feel like I could have and SHOULD have done better, although I'm not sure how, given that I couldn't really exercise this week.  Standing on that scale Friday morning, I felt like such a failure, like I was gonna turn around and magically be 37 pounds heavier....back to square one.  Of course, my mind knows this is not possible, but it also knows how fast I do gain, and the thought of having to do this all over again terrifies me.  I've worked so hard, and I don't want to either backslide, or go into a plateau that will leave me so frustrated I give up.

One thing I am coming to understand and accept:  my body takes far less food than I have ever given it to sustain itself. It is an efficiently burning machine that I have spent years overfueling, simply because I could.  It is time to change that.  Even after I go into maintenance mode, I don't think I will ever see the day I go over 1500 calories again; it's just not necessary for me.  And although at some point, I am sure that I will go back to eating some foods that are not acceptible right now, I will ALWAYS have to modify the amount to a fraction of the portions I've always been used to....it's simply a waste I can't afford.

So....I'm .8 pounds away from hitting my next goal.  With a big long-weekend trip coming up next week to celebrate my mother's 80th birthday in Atlanta, I was really hoping to go down and be able to say I'd lost 40 pounds so far this year.  As it stands right now, I will need to lose 2.8 pounds between now and Thursday morning to accomplish that.  Not out of the ball park....but a long shot, unless I can somehow find a way to stoke my metabolic fire between now and then. I don't know if I can do it...but I'm sure gonna try.

Rest, Rest, and More Rest

My plan to start back with my workouts over the weekend unfortunately went south.  I have regrets, but I can't really say that I'm sorry.  It's one of the sucky parts of aging that our bodies just can't physically keep up with what our minds are convinced are totally doable.....like being able to work all day, and then drive all night (no can do...not anymore, but my brain sure thinks I can).  What I'm learning is that, although my energy and stamina are improving dramatically on a daily basis, there are still limits to what my almost 52-year-old body is able to do.  And with the enormous amounts of overtime I've been putting in the past few weeks, my body was at a breaking point, in terms of physically AND mentally. 

So...I took the weekend off.  And by 'off', I mean I did nothing except eat and watch TV and REST.

I may have been a slug, but my food was on point, however.  I have gotten to a very comfortable place in my eating, and I think now that I'm in the groove, I'll be able to ride it out pretty well going forward.  I manage to work in good things...savory things...that keep me from getting bored or restless without going overboard, and they are still totally within the boundaries I've set for myself.  Case in point; I have found an amazing cajun crab dip at the grocery store that is made with no mayo. Two tablespoons is only 70 calories (it's mostly just diced crab), and I pair it with Nut Thins crackers, 8 of which are only 65 calories.  That makes for one helluva delicious treat, and totally within my parameters!

The slug bit notwithstanding, I feel SO MUCH BETTER after two days of rest! I woke up yesterday rejuvinated and ready for my week ( another long one), and although my housework didn't thank me for it, I know that the time off was not time wasted, but a necessity.  I did not work out, but my body did nothing but benefit from the rest.

Today, I'll be going out to lunch with all my coworkers at a Mexican restaurant.  I'm looking forward to the cameraderie, and have already decided on having a delicious taco salad (no cheese or guac, extra lettuce, fresh salsa for dressing...yumm!), so I'll be totally prepared when I get there.  Making the choice ahead of time totally takes out the angst, and all I have to do is enjoy myself! 

I'm really liking where my head is these days, how strong I've become, both mentally and physically.  I feel like I'm playing from a position of power, now, and that's a really, really good feeling.

Scheduling

Today, being Friday, was my weekly weigh-in.  Honestly, considering how I've been feeling all week, I really didn't expect to see much of a drop at all in the numbers. I told Keith if I saw half a pound, I'd consider it a major victory, and he pointed out that I'd had quite a long losing streak already, so if I didn't lose anything, this would be the first week I hadn't done so.

It's amazing, having such a supportive hubby. I am a lucky woman.

However, despite my worries, I did manage to drop a pound and a half.  Considering the week I've had, I'm ecstatic.  And no, that was not sarcasm.

I know that in order to step up my game, I'm going to have to start back with my workouts, and I don't just mean to lose more at my weigh-ins.  With all this loss comes a lot of loose skin, and the more I lose, the more I can see what a lack of muscle tone I have.  That needs to be corrected NOW, if I'm really going to see long-term results and look as good as I feel. So, I've just simply got to find a way to work IN my workOUTS to my hectic daily schedule.

When I'm not working overtime, it's pretty simple; I just go walk or run after work, before I go home.  That's my favorite time to go, because it helps me work out the stress from my day, and leaves me relaxed and ready to enjoy my evening.  I sleep better and wake up feeling rested and ready for the day ahead.  But right now, my overtime is insane, I'm chronically tired as a result, and it's not looking like it's going to improve any time soon.  My current day:

Time	Activity
4:15am	Wake up, make coffee, shower, dress, gather things for the day.
5:45am	Leave for work
6:45am	Arrive at work
3:30pm	End of regular day, start of overtime
6:30pm	Leave work
7:30-8:00pm	Arrive home (time depends on whether I have to run errands on the way)
9:00pm	Bedtime

As you can see, there is very little time to spare, once I actually get home. If I'm lucky and don't have to stop anywhere, I may have an hour and a half of 'free' time before I hit the hay, but in that time, I'm eating dinner, washing dishes, and taking care of those thousands of little things one has to do to simply maintain.  Where in the world can I work in a workout??  This is really, really bothering me right now.

I know that I have to let those things that are out of my control go, but it's very hard. My best plan at the moment is to at LEAST do my day one and two workouts on the weekends.  If nothing else, I can get that done, but it will not help with my plan to get back on the track in April, so I need to figure something out for that.  I'm hoping that by then, I will be leaving work at 5:30 instead of 6:30 every night...that will buy me the extra hour I need for the track in the evenings on the way home.

*sigh*  They say we make time for the things we think are the most important to us.  And although I tend to agree with this in general terms, it is not always possible. In the meantime, all I can do is to work what I can control to the best of my ability, and that is exactly what I'm going to do.

So...beginning this weekend, I will do my best to get some much-needed rest, but I will also try to get my workouts in.  I will be working until 6:30pm for the next two weeks, so it may be hard, if not impossible to walk during the week.... but after that, I'm going to get my track time back.  And God willing, I'm going to use it.