Weekend Wrap-up

This was a weird and wonderful weekend, chock full of twists and turns, and many, many learning experiences, which I am doing my best to absorb.  After Friday's snow day, I still had a good weigh-in on Saturday, which I pretty much expected.  I am really beginning to feel a difference in my clothes.  Saturday morning, however, I had started out doing some things around the house while waiting on friends to arrive from out of town.  When I saw that time was getting close, I stopped to get my workout in, which had been pre-empted the night before, feeling pretty confident that I would be able to get my day 2 workout done on Monday, and not be off my schedule but by one day...not too bad, really.

I was into my second exercise in the set, when Keith (who was working outside frantically trying to shore up a collapsed retaining wall...all the rain, don'tcha know) came in and asked me to stop.  An emergency trip to town to pick up much-needed tools from the shop forced me to throw in the towel.  I don't feel bad on this one, because there was truly no alternative....but I did feel frustrated at being preempted two days in a row, especially knowing that I would not have an opportunity to do anything on Sunday.  This meant that I would be off my schedule by half a week, almost....truly frustrating.

So, I headed to the in-laws, armed with my food for the day, and wound up doing fairly well on food.  The homemade lasagna that everyone else had didn't even particularly bother me, and it really helped that my family seems to understand and honor what I'm doing; no one made an attempt to force a plate onto me, thank God, and seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing and why (mechanically speaking, lol). 

Sunday, I realized that I didn't have enough fish cooked for the entire day.  This was bad, but I figured I could probably find something to eat at the in-laws' without having to cook right then, so I packed up what I had, and headed out.  After a bit of shopping, my friends stopped by Dunkin Donuts to pick up some coffee, and wound up bringing back a box of donut holes, which were promptly pounced on by everyone at the house.  They went over so well, in fact, that my friends went BACK to DD and scored another large box of holes and a dozen chocolate iced, chocolate glazed, chocolate  filled, chocolate sprinkled donuts to go with it.  The good news? Didn't bother me a bit. I sat there, blissfully sipping my black coffee, thanking God that I was free of that chain...for now, at least. I'm under no illusions that the monster won't ever rear its ugly head again.  But at that point in time, all I could think of was how nauseating the smell was, and how many empty calories were being shoveled in that room. Ugh! The bad news, however, was that I had to 'settle' for some of my mother-in-law's wonderful baked ham for my protein....(honey glazed...I did my best to trim that part off, but it was still a bit sweet), and I missed my dinner.

Monday, I wound up at home, with no transportation, since the guys had both left to go to work.  And I had no protein cooked.  What was worse: I had left all my lettuce and salad veggies at the in-laws' house (I actually thought I'd left it in the car...horrors!), which effectively strangled my eating for the day.  I ended up nibbling on a smoked trout (LOADED with sodium!) and a bag of frozen brussels sprouts....and again, missing my dinner.  This morning showed the damage: almost 2 lbs up on the scale.  I know it's just water weight, and that I'll be able to flush it, no problem....but it's a hard way to learn.  I did get the rest of my day 1 workout in, though...finally.

My lessons from this weekend:

Be prepared. Always.  Keep ahead of the game with an adequately stocked fridge and an action plan.

Don't let time slip away.  Get the workout in...then do everything else...even if you think you have plenty of time.  You may not.

Never, ever,  EVER skip a meal. Ever. No matter what excuse you give yourself.

Keep away from smoked anything.

So....a resounding success?  Nope.  But you don't learn much from resounding successes...except that you're on the right track.  This weekend has taught me that I'm still in this thing, despite all the little frustrations and minor setbacks.  And even if I wound up gaining 1.8 lbs for the week...it wouldn't deter me, because I'm in this for the long haul...and that's what counts.

Week Three Reckoning

 I have to say that this week has been the toughest one yet... not in terms of cheating, or even temptation. I'm pretty strong on that, right now (although I know the day's coming when I will be tested there, it hasn't happened yet, at least). No... my week has been challenged in terms of weather.  And laziness, I think, has a lot to do with even that.  Thursday, it began to snow. Not that unusual in the mountains, granted. But this snow was wet, heavy, and sticking to the roads.  And all this on the heels of three days of driving, flood-invoking rain.  Not a good mix... and being from Atlanta, I am terrified of driving on ice. 

My usual habit in the afternoons is to either walk at work for an hour (weather permitting), or go to the mall and walk there, if the weather is bad.  I've been very proud of the fact that I haven't missed a day in the past three weeks, other than taking a much-needed rest day last weekend.  But Thursday, as I looked out my window, I knew if I didn't go directly home...I wasn't liable to get there.  So I turned tail, and drove hard, sliding all the way.  Consequently, by the time I got home, I was relieved to have gotten there, but found myself in a royal funk at the same time, because I had messed up my perfect record.  And since I had delayed my mid-afternoon snack until I got home, I wasn't hungry at all at dinner time (and no exercise had just fueled that), so I did a HUGE no-no, and skipped it because I was so tired.

 

Friday was a snow day, and I stayed home all day in my sweats, catching up on emails and odds and ends on the computer.  I ate well, even though I was home, which I'm very proud of, but yesterday was also my workout day, and I skipped it.  Yep....that's where the REAL guilt came into play.  And this is what has me worried.  You see... I had planned to wait until after my mid-afternoon snack, as per usual, to do them.  But then Irb, who was also home yesterday, came over and set up camp right in the middle of my exercise area (the only one I have at the moment).  Instead of giving him the boot, I let him.  And on top of not getting in my Day 1, I also skipped my supper.  Again.  For two nights in a row. Bad, bad, bad girl.  Honestly, I was amazed that the scale registered a four pound loss this week, and while I am very proud that it did (I'm now down to 246), I am also left wondering how much more I might have lost, had I gotten my exercise and food in that I should have. 

 

Now, I am left with trying to start over again.  I know that these weeks will come, and that I need to use them as lessons to learn acceptance, which I am severely lacking in, on BOTH ends of the spectrum.  But I also have no intention of letting this little stumbling block curtail my forward motion. I will continue as I mean to go on.  And even if I stumble, I will succeed this time.

Temptation

Chips, cookies, York Peppermint Patties...and one donut left.

There is a co-worker (actually several) who gains sadistic pleasure in bringing in goodies for the rest of us to indulge far too much in.  On Thursdays, he is in the habit of frequenting the local donut establishment, and comes into the office bearing gifts that he leaves in the breakroom.  Although I'm much more of a potato/mac and cheese girl, I do love the occasional empty calorie just as much as the next fatty.  And in the past two years that I've been here, I've indulged in far more than my fair share.  Most notably, in the bathroom.  Away from prying eyes.  Like most fatties...I prefer to scarf in private, where nobody can witness my sins but me.

The problem, of course, is that I can't hide it from me.  Nor can I hide it from the rest of the world, as the evidence resides on my hips (and thighs....and stomach....you get my drift).  They may not know it's a donut, but they know it's the result of way too many calories in/ not enough calories out.

The restart of my journey has put an end to that.  It is far more appealing to me not to put a black mark on my so-far-perfect record, than it is to scarf down an empty 500 calorie donut (which invariably leads to binging on them), and have to live with the fact that I marred my streak (probably in a HUGE way).  And I'm very, very proud of that streak.  It's got me where I am right now....three weeks away from the start line, 11+ pounds closer to my goal, and nowhere near falling off the wagon.  I feel strong this time....superman strong.  And after so many years of feeling weak and worthless, that feels pretty damned good.

So, Mr. Temptation can kiss my rapidly shrinking ass....cuz this big girl's not tempted any more.  It just ain't worth it.

Week Two Reckoning

Yesterday, I really angsted over that can of tuna. I guzzled water like it was my job, and worked out extra hard yesterday (meaning with extra concentration).  Last night, I had a nice piece of fish and two cups of fresh green beans, seasoned with no-sodium beef bouillon.  But I really, really worried about the effect that damned sodium had on my system.  I was happy with the four pound loss the scale registered yesterday morning...it showed a nice pay-off for all my hard work this week.  And, although I didn't expect to see any MORE of a loss, I was scared to death of losing any of that hard-earned ground I'd gained over the past six days.

So...it was with trepidation that I mounted the scale this morning. Imagine my shock when I read the results:  250.0.  Wow. I had to do it twice, just to make sure I'd read it right...but the second time fluctuated between 249.8 and 250 before settling on the larger number, so I took it and RAN.  OMG!!! A five pound loss!! ON WEEK TWO!!!  Holy cow.

To say that I'm proud of myself is an understatement....I'm freaking overjoyed.  In the past two weeks, I've dropped a total of 10.6 pounds....and am well on my way.

Now...I'm left with the question 'why'?  What was it that caused me to lose another pound and a half yesterday?  What did I do differently?

• Yesterday was my exercise day...I did no walking (not that amounted to anything, anyway...just the usual).
• I ate plain light tuna that wasn't low-sodium (VERY salty to my palate now, btw).
• I got in a significant amount more water than I've been drinking...and I've been doing pretty good.
• I ate a little more than usual for dinner.
• How should I say this...?  My excretory system worked very well yesterday.

Now...normally, I wouldn't even mention that last, but in all fairness, it must be noted that I have noticed a marked decline in that department in the last two weeks.  I can only contribute that to the lack of excess that I am putting into my body now. Whereas before, I was eating so much more than my body could handle (hence, multiple daily trips to the bathroom), now, my body is using what I give it for fuel, and calling on reserves, so there is much, much less to eliminate now.  Consequently, I find I am going several days in between visits.

That being said, I doubt seriously if that alone could account for a 1 1/2 pound weight loss (heaven help me!), but it certainly contributed. I think more than anything, it just offset whatever I might have gained as a result of eating the tuna.  No....I think if I'm honest, it's a mixture between drinking more water, and eating just a tad more.  Honestly, I think I may have been shorting myself of the protein for the past several days, and eating a bit more at each meal is probably a very necessary thing. I don't mean  a LOT, mind....we're only talking an ounce or so.  But that adds up. 

This week, I plan on doubling my water efforts, and adding an ounce or so of protein to my meals.  It should be interesting to see the results on the scale next Saturday.

Choices.

It seems that I'm starting to realize the choices that I'm surrounded by on a daily basis....some, very small...granted, but some also much larger.  And with that comes the realization that regardless of the choice I am faced with, I need to make it...and then OWN that choice, regardless of the outcome.  It's called responsibility, and it comes with maturity. Or so I'm told, anyway.

Last week, my big choice was whether to take advantage of the little opportunities I am given to exercise on a daily basis, or pass them up in favor of the 'easier' route...easier being a relative term, since there ain't nothin' easy about being overweight and unhealthy.  But this week, I've not really seen much in the way of a new choice, althought I've actually been on the lookout for them.  Now...by 'choice', I don't mean the 'what am I gonna wear today' kind, I actually mean one that impacts my health.  But last night, I was finally faced with one.

Last night, we had dinner with the in-laws, and I was very proud to have had the foresight to prepare my own dinner, along with the rest of my food yesterday, to take with me so that I didn't have to rely on unknowns.  I'm very glad I did; it turned out to be a very pleasant meal (although laden with all the salt, sugar, and fat that after two weeks my body is now used to doing without and doesn't miss, thank God!), and I was able to feel totally sated with my little meal, and very content that what I had done was to combat the sabotage that inevitably creeps in during times like this.  I didn't miss a thing...and was extremely happy and pleased with myself.

Back-patting over, we headed home, but it was late when we got there, and I was exhausted. Making my meals is a night-time chore, for sure, because I'm just not moving fast enough in the mornings to get 'er done. But last night, it was bad, because I was confronted with a fridge lacking in already-prepped protein to add to my meals. I'd just eaten the last piece of my pre-cooked fish at dinner, and although I had an entire package of chicken tenderloins ready to grill up, my body was waving the white flag, big time. 

Enter my choice:  Do I deny my body the rest it craves, grill up that huge package of chicken, and lose a MINIMUM of an hour's precious sleep?  Or do I settle for using my last two cans of tuna, which I've been holding for emergencies, since they are NOT low sodium...KNOWING that Saturday morning is a weigh-in day and my body's gonna freak over all that sodium that I've been fiendishly trying to flush out of my system for the past two weeks?

The tuna won out.  I was that freakin' tired.  But I made that choice CONSCIOUSLY, knowing the impact it might have on my body, and after weighing the odds, I still felt that it was the best choice for my health at that moment.  This morning, before I ate anything, I got on the scale and weighed, even though it's not actually official until tomorrow...another choice....because I want to see exactly HOW that sodium will affect my body, if at all.  The result of my weigh-in:  251.6...an impressive number that brings my total to 9 pounds so far, over the past two weeks....IF it holds...and lays to rest my fears of the dreaded Week 2 Curse.

I will not log this number into my total, I did it for comparison purposes only.  But I've been drinking water like crazy today, hoping my body doesn't decide to retain too much of the sodium...and the water that goes with it.  I'll post the results of my experiment tomorrow....but either way, up or down, it's my choice....my responsibly made choice....that got me there. And that's ok with me.

Descending.

When I moved to the mountains four years ago, I was in much better shape than I currently am, and much more active outdoors.  I did a lot of hiking and exploring in the evenings and on weekends...something I was not privy to in Atlanta...and I found that I loved it! In fact, one of the things that I'm most looking forward to is to get back to that level of fitness where I can feel comfortable venturing out again for extended (and sometimes challenging) periods of time. I truly love being in the outdoors.
But, I'm naturally a klutz, and over the years, I have come to embrace that fact.  Consequently, I am very careful about my footing when I hike, knowing that one wrong placement can send me crashing to the ground, or into the underbrush, over rocks and through trees, or worse: sliding pell-mell down a ravine...a truth I have learned the hard way more than once.  It's worse...much worse...going downhill than it is going up; I learned that lesson early on in my ramblings. Going uphill, I have much more control over where I place my feet, and can make sure I have a good purchase before I gamble placing my weight on that little tentative foothold. Going up, there is solidness in front of my face; I know exactly what I'm dealing with. I feel much more secure in my environment.
Going down is a different matter. There is nothing in front of me but air; nothing to grab onto to steady myself.  Every step I take is a potential minefield, especially if there is loose dirt or gravel involved. If my foot starts moving unexpectedly, I don't have enough of a sense of balance to right myself, or to save myself from getting hurt badly. To someone as balance-challenged as I am, it's terrifying.

This morning, I saw this status posting on my facebook feed, and it really spoke to me:

Life As The Fat Friend Blog

If you want to get from the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley, you don't jump off a cliff. You find a path and you take the arduous steps to get where you want to go.

How do you lose a large amount of weight? One small change at a time.

...and suddenly, it all clicked for me.  No wonder I had such a hard time last time I lost this weight!  I was going downhill!  That same terror that strikes my heart everytime I have to navigate a steep slope was before me again....except, not being in familiar territory, I wasn't able to recognize it.  And instead of proceeding cautiously and watching my footing, I dug my heels in, and backed away from the edge. After all...going uphill is SO much easier!

The more I think on this concept, the more profound it actually gets.  I think I will probably be chewing on this little tidbit for quite a while....I want to make sure it really, really sinks in.  It doesn't matter how long it takes for me to get down the hill...it only matters that I do, and that I am careful in the process, so I don't hurt myself. And I will make it down...as long as I watch my footing.

Weekend Wrap-up

I was really fortunate this weekend, in some respects, because the weather, although chilly, turned out to be quite nice.  Much nicer than originally anticipated, in fact.  That was a nice bonus, since we had planned to spend the day with our two oldest grandsons.  Knowing that I would be traveling, I planned accordingly (SO proud of that!) and took all my food for the day.  Since I had already done my day 1 workout on Friday night, I planned on Saturday being a free day (even though I didn't really want one), and then I would do my day 2 workout on Sunday afternoon.

As things turned out, we actually had time on our hands Saturday afternoon, and the boys suggested we go hiking on the town's river walk.  I was overjoyed, because I've been on this particular walk, and 1) it's beautiful and interesting, 2) it is perfect for what I needed...a walk on level ground), and 3) allowed me to sneak in my workout and still hang out with the boys...so I wouldn't need the 'day off' after all!  Color me happy on that, so we started off with a bang, and got an even bigger treat when we all discovered that the trail had been expanded, and was almost doubled in length. 

All in all, I got a nice hour and a half walk in, with time enough to explore cool things with the boys, too.  The bad part was that Poppy got sick and couldn't be a part of the day, but Rick and I had a great time, came back home very contented with the days activity, and armed with a plan to go back down in a month.

Sunday was pretty much spent doing odd chores, but I did get my workout in Sunday afternoon, and so for me, the weekend was a success.  I'm very happy with my progress so far, and very happy that I was able to stay on course for the entire weekend, work around whatever issues I came against without straying from my plan.  I say my plan, because it IS *MY PLAN*, not someone else's that I'm trying to adhere to.  I love that. And I love the fact that I am finally accepting that I am in control of me....not anyone else.  If I rise or fall, it's me that's calling the shots, so just like I have no one but myself to blame if I fail, I also have no one else to praise but myself when I succeed.  That is something that I can totally own.

Week One Reckoning

This is what 100 pounds of body fat looks like.  Judging by the way my body looks and feels, I tend to believe it...or maybe I don't, because it actually looks like it should be more.  Either way, it's a fairly good representation of what needs to come off my body in the long run.  I've got a long road ahead of me, but  I do know I'll get there.  As disgusting as this picture is, (it's one that my daughter was kind enough to share to my facebook page), it's also a really good wake-up call for me.  This is what I've done to my body...just from not being mindful, from not being vigilant.  And it hurts to  think that I could actually not love myself enough on some level to let this happen...to let this mass accumulate on my frame and actually have to carry it around every single day.

It's a slow process to get that way, and it will be an even slower process to get it off. Maybe not so much in my body, but most definitely in my head....because that, I believe, is where the most fat actually IS.  Regardless....I've made a start, and am happy that I am down 6.6 pounds this morning.  Some of it may be water weight, but I know that not all of it is. I'm already feeling...and seeing...changes in my body, and I also know that a lot of the weight I've lost has been replaced by muscle.  So I've probably lost more than what the scale shows.  I'll take it.  Every day, and twice on Sunday, I'll take it.  It's a great step forward, and a good feeling that I am on my way!



Opportunities

It's very obvious that I'm on a learning curve, and that I am seeing things with new eyes, because I noted something last night that I wouldn't have normally seen..a very big NSV (non-scale victory) for me!

Yesterday, it was cold, but crisply so, and the sun was warm as I went about my outer-office errands.  Going from my building to the main building requires a brisk (outside) walk of some five or so minutes, so a round trip, if not delayed, takes about ten.  As I left my office, I noticed that I automatically began pacing myself appropriately, and was mindful of my abdominal breathing as I walked (in for four steps, out for two).  That alone was cool, but it occurred to me after I dropped off my paperwork and was headed back, that I could just keep walking.  So I took the long way home, so to speak, and made a couple of laps around the lower floor of the hospital.  Now...I don't feel guilty about this one bit, because I rarely take lunches or breaks away from my desk, and yesterday was no exception.  (This, by the way, is going to stop.  It's time I started taking some much-deserved 'me' time.)  All in all, I walked a total of 25 minutes, which I was very pleased about.  Considering that I had planned on walking an hour last night after work, I looked at it as a nice little bonus to add to my log.
Before I left home, however, Keith called me with some sobering news.  Our dog Luggie had been inadvertently locked inside the house all day, and the guys weren't going to be able to get home in enough time to let him out...and we were all sure he'd be busting at the seams.  For most dogs, this wouldn't be an issue...but Luggie isn't used to that, and although he never 'goes' in the house, we were afraid to push the envelope.
All of this meant that I had to abort my plan to go to the mall, and head straight home.  I tried to roll with the punches on this, because it IS life, after all, and things like this are bound to happen. It's how you handle this stuff that defines you.  Now, the OLD me would have used this as an opportune cop-out to bypass my workout altogether.  But right now, I happen to have a perfect streak going, and I don't want a black mark to smudge it all...so I decided to take Lug with me to the elementary school down the road (it has a small track behind it) to get my walk in, after all.
Now...herein lies the problem.  For all that she's insulated like a top-of-the-line sub-zero Igloo cooler, Crackerjill was not built for cold weather.  There's a reason why I've been choosing to mall-walk right now....it's WARM.  My entire body aches, right down to the bone, when I have to stay outside for any length of time.  But I figured I'd be moving, so even if I started out cold, I'd probably be sweating by the time I hit my stride good.
So...chipping ice, I started off, Luggie in tow (or should I say that the other way around...he thinks he's a sled dog, I swear!).  But by this time, the sun had set, and it was getting dark....and the temperature was dropping by the minute.  Even bundled in my hoodie with my gloves on, I was completely numb, and my nose was running like a faucet.  After 20 minutes, I threw in the towel and went home, disgusted.
But by the time I got home and thawed out, I started to think...even though my time had not been done all in one walk, that didn't mean that I hadn't completed a good workout.  Thanks to my taking advantage of the golden opportunity I was presented yesterday morning, I had put in a good 45 minute walk...more than respectable, considering my circumstances....and far better than throwing in the towel. 
My lesson for the day?  Learning to look for more opportunities to 'bank' my workouts....just in case something unexpected comes up.  Walks don't have to be done in chunks...as long as I can put at least 20 minutes behind it, it counts!  And three of those a day equals an hour.  That adds up.  I'm thankful that I acted on my instincts, even though I didn't realize it at the time, because it helped me keep my streak going.  And believe me....I'll be looking for more opportunities just like that one....every single day.

Learning How to Pace

Throughout this process of renewing my aquaintance with Mr. Thurmond and his Six-Week Body Makeover, I have learned just how much of the program I had been taking for granted that I actually remembered correctly.  So much so that it has really shocked me.  When I started over this time, part of my commitment to myself was to make sure I refreshed on the manual so that I would catch all the little stuff I may have been missing on previous attempts. What has shocked me was not so much how much I had forgotten, but what I had remembered incorrectly!

Take, for example, yesterday.  Now, in all, yesterday was a very good day for me.  All my eating was on point ( and has been so far, in fact), and I headed to the mall to get my hour's worth of cardio in. Bear in mind that although I'm re-reading through the manual, it is an ongoing process.  In other words, I didn't want to create a stumbling block for myself by saying that 'I would start the program when I finished reading', so I started AS I started reading, beginning with the food part, which I felt was probably the most important to get down immediately.  And yes...I found lots of improvement with the food section too.  But yesterday, before I got out of the car, a little bird told me I should maybe check the cardio portion before I started.  Good thing, because I found out that my naturally fast pace (even now, at 100lbs overweight) was throwing my heart rate way over the target range for the best fat burning, thus accomplishing nothing more than burning what sugar (very little these days, thank God...but still) I had in my bloodstream OUT, and leaving me a shaky, exhausted mess, unable to complete but a portion of my allotted time.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I jumped out of the car with determination, and headed inside, beginning with my natural pace, and thinking it would probably be good, since my long legs already walk a little faster than the norm...especially for women my size.  Never would I have dreamed that I was so out of shape now that I would have to slow down to half my normal walking pace to hit my target rate.  Wow...talk about a reality check...how about a reality slap.  My heart is so overloaded right now, it's literally fighting with each step I take.  That really, really scares me.  And even more, it makes me more determined than ever to make it right.

So...I start slow.  And I check my pulse a lot.  And this time next week, I'll be a little stronger, and walk a little faster...and the week after that, a little more...until I get to the point where I CAN bypass my natural pace. Looking back, no wonder my past few attempts at getting back on the track were so horrible.  My heart's been fighting so hard, and I just slam-dunked it without giving it a chance.  Thank God I know better now.  Nothing like arming yourself with education.

By the way...by monitoring my heart rate like crazy and adjusting my stride, I was able to complete an hour with no problem. Never worked hard...never got out of breath...but I did break a sweat, and according to Michael T., I shed a lot of extra calories.  Works for me.  Think I'll do it again today. :)

7 Goals for 2013...

One of the jewels I found last year was a super inspiring blog by Mary at www.asmallloss.com. I love that she struggles, but refuses to let her struggles stop her.  She finds a way to overcome.  Hers is a work in progress....and she never ceases to inspire me. 

Today, she posted this:

The Day Zero Project (the folks behind the 101-in-1001 lists) have issued a resolution-based writing prompt: seven goals for 2013. I've decided to do two, one here for health and fitness goals, and one over at Kosher Lasagna for my pregnancy/parenting/religious goals. Here are their prompts:

 

• Learn how to... [A new skill or hobby]
• Start [Develop a habit]
• Stop [Break a habit]
• Take a vacation to... [Where would you most like to vacation to?]
• Find [What are you looking for?]
• Try [One new thing you want to try]
• Be more [A personal characteristic to improve]

So, Mary....here are MY answers:

• Learn how to run properly...at more than just a jog.
• Start shopping for clothes for myself RIGHT NOW (something I haven't done in a very long time), instead of waiting until I've lost weight...when I 'deserve' it.
• Stop using my weight (or my past) as a cop out to try new things.
• Take a vacation to Atlantic Beach, NC.  I need to see the ocean, and it's been years.
• Find the drive that I need to go the distance.
• Try day hiking the Appalachian Trail.
• Be more active, not just physically, but in every aspect of my life.

Here's to a fabulous 2013 for us both!

New Year's Eve

Three hours to go in 2012, and I'm feeling really good about where I am right now.  No, it's not the whiskey talking (although I did splurge and have a shot in honor of the occasion), it's more likely the adrenaline high of knowing that I'm on the right track.  Great eating today, getting in my workout this afternoon, and a good dinner tonight, lots of water to keep it all flowing right, coming home to an immaculate house, and knowing I have tomorrow off all spells positivity. 

I love this image that I found on facebook today....it's so symbolic of my expectations for this new year. In order to expand my comfort zone, I need to leave where I am...what I've always known... and go for it.  It's not without risks, and the odds are against me, but what I will gain if I make it is so much greater than anything I've known before....and the victory will be all mine.  All I have to do is get up the nerve to take that leap of faith.

Well....I'm leaping.  Here's to a fantastic 2013!!!

Aaaand....we're OFF!

Well, I must say today went SO much better than yesterday!  I'm very encouraged by it.  Last night, despite my best efforts, I just couldn't get in that last meal of the day.  I had gotten up too early, and consequently, my whole day was off.  Combine that with the fact that my little camper had entirely too much stuff piled everywhere (the aftermath of Christmas), and too many men in my way, and was feeling thoroughly overwhelmed.  I knew that the only way I was gonna make any headway like I WANTED to was to get that under control, QUICK. 

So, after no fifth meal and no workout yesterday, I was a bit dejected when I went to bed.

What a difference a day makes!  Keith and I both got up early, tackled the camper and gave it a thorough spring cleaning, which it desperately needed, and I was able to get all my meals AND my day 1 workout in.  On top of that, I cooked a wonderful meal for the guys, and did most of my cooking for myself for the week.  All my food is logged, all but one of my waters is down.  All that's left is a bit of kitchen cleanup, and packing my food for tomorrow, and I'll be home free for the evening....in a clean, organized environment.  I feel very empowered right now, and that's a very good feeling.  I know that tomorrow will go smoothly, as I will be prepared to meet the day (at work...boo), and also prepared to walk at the mall before heading home tomorrow night.  I feel like I can breathe....and I'm very, very happy about having such a good start. 

Getting started....again.

So, in anticipation of the big starter gunshot going off this morning, I actually went by the grocery store last night on my way home and did the shopping for all of us for the next two weeks.  Well...at least, for the guys.  It will remain to be seen just how far my rations will go.  Fish is expensive, omg!  But I'll figure it out as I go, I'm sure. 

One thing I've been very careful about this time is not taking things for granted that I remember correctly.  In my previous attempts, I guesstimated things like portion sizes and the types of fruits and veggies, etc. I needed to be using.  This time, I made sure to reread the manual (which I'm still in the process of), and invest in a food scale so I can be sure I'm eating the right amount.  Interesting to note that although I was fudging on my veggie types before, I was also not eating enough protein. 

So far today, I've done both very well, and not so hot.  In the amounts and quality of food I've eaten, I've done stellar.  I've also managed to put away almost my entire allotment of water, and will by the time I go to bed.  So I'm very pleased about that part.  I also weighed, measured, and photographed, first thing this morning, so I have all my documentation in order.  Very stoked about that, and already looking forward to my first 6-week comparison. 

On the not so hot side, however, I got up late and so I started off behind the 8-ball in terms of dividing my meals up in a time to spread them evenly across the day.  By the time I'd had my first meal, I should have been getting ready for my third....not good.  So I'm writing this at 9pm, and still have one meal to go before I go to bed. 

Tomorrow, I know will be better and more organized.  I have a lot to do, and with the guys underfoot all day today (bad weather), I wasn't able to accomplish what I'd set out to do.  Unorganization kicked my butt today, but by tomorrow afternoon, I know I'll be on track. 

I also didn't get my workout in today....but I do think I'll be ok on that, if I do day one tomorrow while the guys are gone, and since i'll be off on Tuesday, I can do day 2 then.  So I'll still get them in this week...I'll just be a day short on my walking.  Still...as long as it doesn't become a habit, I'm not going to sweat one day.  I don't want to be so rigid in my routine that it becomes a self-defeating thing.  I'm planning to go the distance this time, and so I want to be smart about my decisions.

Still feeling very jazzed right now....so much so, that I had tears of excitement on my way home last night, looking forward to this.  It just feels different in every way....and I know that my head is right.  SO excited for that!!!

Right now, it is not my plan to update daily....but I do intend to update if I feel I have something worth saying.  Guess it remains to be seen how often that will be. :)

Project Crackerjill

Ok...I am officially excited.  I mean REALLY excited.  You'd think I was going to a race or something, I'm so excited.  I have spent this entire week planning for the Big Start, which will be tomorrow, and I am literally squirming in my seat at the prospect.

What's WRONG with me?

Absolutely nothing!  In fact, it's what's right....which is that my mindset is so different right now, it's scary.  And that makes me ecstatic.

Last night, I was laying in bed, planning out the spreadsheet I will be using to log my weigh-ins, very similar to the one I used back in 2005 (which was long ago relegated to a now-defunct floppy disk), and it occurred to me that a project of this magnitude (rest assured, this IS a monumental project) deserves a name...one that would really personify my goals and expectations.  So I started thinking about what I was actually trying to accomplish, and decided that what I was really after was to unearth the healthy me that has been hidden so long inside this unhealthy shell....and that unearthing it would be very much like digging the prize out of a Crackerjack box.  Food analogy notwithstanding, that simple childhood joy of finding the prize is really what I'm referring to.  So I decided that I could find no better name to perfectly encapsulate what I'm doing. 

Henceforth, this project shall be dubbed Project Crackerjill.

Dusting the Breeks

You know, it's infuriating to fail. At anything, really.  It's even more infuriating to know that YOU, and ONLY you are the cause of your failure. That really stinks.

BUT...

If a lesson is learned from the failure, then it wasn't a failure at all.  It was a lesson learned.

That is how I choose to view this latest attempt, which faltered not long after my last post in June.  Why?  Because of my focus....I'm sure of it.  Despite what I've said, what I've written, what I've thought, my focus over the past few years has been about my physical appearance, not my health.  Starting out each time, I would be all full of piss and vinegar, but eventually...usually sooner rather than later...I would get tired of toeing the line, and decide that looking good just wasn't worth the effort it was taking to get there....not when the instant gratification of  a dozen piping-hot donuts was beckoning with promises of making me forget...even momentarily...that I was spinning completely out of control.  The one time I got my head straight on this issue, I achieved results....stellar results, I might add.  Simply put, my focus was on my health...because I was afraid that I was going to die if I didn't do something.

Back in 2003, I lost my dear husband, Bill to a massive heart attack.  He was 51.  He was also a smoker who ate like crap.  Outwardly, he seemed to be healthy enough...tall and lanky, with a ruddy complexion.  Scratch that surface, however, and he was a walking time bomb.

A year of insanity followed...mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost it completely, not just my focus, but my desire to focus.  I can't remember half of what that year contained, and I think I'll always be glad of that.  All I can remember is wanting to immerse myself in anything that would help ease the pain.  I didn't begin to surface from that until I stumbled across a letter in the fall of that year....a letter that would ultimately change my life in more ways than one.

By the end of winter, I was ready to emerge from my self-imposed hibernation.  I had spent way too many sleepless late-nights zoned out in front of infomercials, and I finally roused myself long enough to realize that if I didn't want to follow Bill into an early grave, I needed to take action NOW. In March of that year, I got busy. So driven was I at that time that my focus was like a laser beam....nothing could have shaken me from my goal of good health.  Consequently, I not only dropped 55 pounds in four months, I was more toned and in better shape than I had ever been in IN MY LIFE.

A surprise discovery of love changed all that. My focus slowly dropped from my health to my new beau (now my husband), and although I did manage to keep the weight off for almost two years, it slowly crept back on. 

Over the last seven years, I have gotten back on and off the horse so many times, I'm dizzy. I have done my best to rise and dust off my proverbial backside, every time I have fallen. But every time, it's really boiled down to the fact that I wanted to look as good as I did back then.  In reality, it ain't about the looks....it's about the feel...both internal AND external.  I. Want. To. Be. Healthy.  I want to live a very long time, and share in the magnificence of all this life has to offer with my very healthy husband.

Right now, I am in no way healthy.  I am almost back to my heaviest weight ever, and my body is exhibiting physical signs of the stress I'm forcing it to handle.  From running races two years ago, I now can't walk from my car to my office without being painfully out of breath.  My face breaks out easily, my hair is dry and brittle, my skin is dull, and I have become uncharacteristically moody. My digestive system is so wacked out, I spend a quarter of my day in the bathroom, and another quarter chewing antacids....in between meals and snacking on crap, of course.  I hate what I have done to my body, what I've allowed myself to become....but I also love myself enough to take the action necessary to avoid the inevitable result, should I elect to continue on this self-destructive path.

And so....we come to a new year.  A new chance at a new beginning.  Of course, if you are a Believer, then you are probably familiar with the biblical passage that says that His mercies are new every morning.  Following that logic, then, one could assume (and rightly so, I think) that new beginnings are possible with every sunrise. 

In my life, a new dawn is approaching.  In my mind, there is a different goal.  And in my heart....I know that this time, I will conquor, because I have learned my lesson; painfully so.  Time to once again dust off the breeks, and get busy. 

Because the alternative is unacceptable.

Running in the Rain

Yesterday, I got an unexpected workout via a dear friend coming into town to go on a hiking/caving/rafting expedition with a group of her friends.  Since they live so far away, she wanted to take them to a cascade that is only located a couple of miles from us, and we agreed to meet them there.  Seeing the cascade (aptly named The Blue Hole, for its coloring) involves a bit of a hike, although not too strenuous a one, and a descent down a wooden staircase that must have been made by giants.  Navigating those stairs...both up AND down....is the real challenge to the hike.  Totally worth it, though.

In all, we probably stayed an hour or so...with maybe 30 minutes of it actual hiking.  A nice surprise, and very much enjoyed.

Today was a run day, and I was really geared up to start the week off right.  Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by steel-gray skies.  Ugh. It was going to rain.


You know....I hate running in the rain. It makes my clothes stick to me and binds me up. I lose the freedom that I usually feel, not to mention that I get chilled. I mean, right down to the bone chilled.  And I have never been able to run cold....wet OR dry.

But for so long, that has been my fall-back excuse. One or the other...or some combination of both has caused me to get off track more times than I could EVER care to remember. That is why, when I decided to get serious (again), I determined that come rain, shine, sleet, snow, hell or high water...if it was a run day, I was going to run.

Last week, I wimped out. No more.

Today, I determined that there was NO excuse that was going to cause me not to run. I deserved this damn run, if it killed me....even if I didn't have a towel to keep my seat dry on the way home (another excuse)!

I hit the track, watching the black cloud that loomed. (I kept running) Watching it come closer. (I kept running) Watching the rain start to dump out of it.  (I kept running)  Watching the downpour get heavier and heavier as it moved my way.

Through it all, despite what looked to be the inevitable, I did not stop....determined to get as much of my workout in as I possibly could, grumbling the entire time that, wouldn't you know it....just when I got to my first long run (week 5, day 3)....

And I watched that freaking cloud skirt right on by, somehow completely bypassing me.

Determination pays off. Yes, by God, it does.  And if I have to run in the freaking rain every damn day....I will do it.  Because I can. Because I've earned it.

Because I must.

Reckoning

Well...I may not have accomplished all my goals this week, but at least I posted today, lol!  Pretty proud of that, actually. :)

Yesterday was a very weird day.  I was forced to take the day off due to car trouble (which has now been corrected), so in an odd way, my failure to run on Monday due to the rain actually turned out for the best. Had I run then, yesterday would have been a run day....as it was, it forced me to move back a day.

So....I spent the morning catching up on a bit of housecleaning and work, then after my hubby fixed my car, I got the laundry done.  And when I got home, I did day 2 of my resistance training.  Very, VERY proud about that!  Don't know why it takes so much to motivate me to do that...running is much easier, even in the broiling midday sun of summer, than it is to do these two little workouts each week.  And I KNOW how effective they are for toning!  Doesn't make sense...

Anyway, I successfully completed day 2, then today, after a late start, I went into town and completed day 2 of week 5 of the C25K plan....in the broiling midday sun of summer, I might add.  And even then, I still managed to keep a respectable 13:45 pace.  So....even though I didn't lose a single ounce this week (according to the scale Friday morning), I am still very pleased with my progress this week.  My food was on target, so I must listen to my hubby when he tells me that the muscle I'm building right now is evening out the fat that I'm losing.  And I'm ok with that....for now.

Rundown

Well, it's Thursday, and I haven't posted since Sunday.  Since my goal was to post every OTHER day this week, I've only missed one post.  I guess.

Yeah, that was lame.  In my own defense, though...this week has been brutal in terms of after-hours free-time, and what little I've had I've been hard-pressed to get my workouts in.  All things considered, they are more important right now, so if something has to get sacrificed, it will, by necessity, be my blogging.

That said, I've had a pretty good week so far, all craziness aside.  Monday, I was supposed to run, but it was raining really bad when I got off work, so I didn't.  I really hate running in the rain; everything sticks to you, and I wind up getting major chafing.  Besides that, when I get damp, I get chilled...right down to the bone.  And when that happens, my whole body aches.  I'd love to know how others handle this....anyone got any good tips for running in the rain?

Anyway, so I didn't run on Monday, but I did on Tuesday, logging in my best pace so far (13.39) as I wrapped up week 4 of the C25K plan.  Doesn't sound very fast,but believe me...that's rabbit racing for this ole' turtle!  I'm really looking forward to seeing where I will be pace-wise at the end of this course.

Wednesday, which, by the way, was National Running Day, I did NOT run, since I had to run on Tuesday.  This really bummed me out, because it would have been really cool to run on National Running Day, but that's what I get for being such a wimp on Monday, I guess.  Next year will be better.

Just because I didn't run yesterday, though, does not mean I slacked off.  Au contraire....I actually, FINALLY began my resistance training last night!  Very stoked about that, since I'm already starting to see saggy bits forming everywhere, even moreso than before.  And with only six pounds gone so far, I can only imagine what it will look like before it's all over.  The thing is...my skin is so much thinner than it was even five years ago, and the elasticity seems to be mostly gone, which means that anything that is too big will probably need tucking. *sigh*  I will deal with it when the time comes.  In the meantime, I will be content with firming and strengthening the muscle beneath it as well as I can, and concentrate on consistancy with my workouts.  I can be pleased that I took my first step this week, in line with the goal I set for myself this week...and will complete that workout tomorrow night.

Today is run day, so I will be hitting the track again this afternoon after work.  I've finally gotten to the point of looking forward to it again, so it will be nice to hit the rhythm and let the 'stuff' go.  Very therapeutic.

Now....food.

Overall, I will say that I'm continuing to be pleased with my progress.  My choices, while not always stellar, are still pretty good, for the most part.  That said, I have two concerns of note:

1.  The cake in the breakroom.  I really hate it when people bring stuff in:  cake, donuts, casseroles, breakfast biscuits...all bought or home made for the office to share.  I always feel like an outcast if I don't have any (because I stick out like a sore thumb if I'm the only one refusing a piece), and drawing attention to myself, and feel like a complete failure (or at least sickeningly guilty) if I DO indulge.   The worst is birthdays, when everyone gathers around a cake someone has made or bought. 

This week, we had two 'incidents', with a third being threatened tomorrow.  Tuesday was birthday cake, yesterday was a different homemade cake, and tomorrow, I'm told will be homemade brownies.  It's not like this every week; in fact, we go weeks at a time with nothing....but there are some incredible cooks in this department, and I am having a really hard time saying 'no'.  In fact, so far this week, I haven't.  Said no, I mean.

I am alleviating my guilt at these decisions by keeping track of my calories and not going over my allotted count....but I still know that cake in any form is not a smart choice....not for my head, and certainly not for my body.  I really need to work on my ability to say 'no' to these temptations, and will do my best to not cave when or if I am presented with a plate of chocolaty goodness tomorrow.

2.  Logging my food and exercise.  After a little more than a month of meticulous logging on myfitnesspal.com, I am starting to see myself slip a bit.  Instead of logging my food in as I eat ( or immediately after), sometimes it's not until that night, or even the next morning.  So far today, I've eaten two meals....neither of which I have logged yet.  This is really concerning to me because I don't want to let this fall by the wayside...this is too important a step in the process for me to throw it aside.  Even though I am careful to get the exercise in, and not go over my calorie count, not logging could be the difference between a good day or an extremely bad one. One little slip-up is all it takes, and that little lunch could turn into 800 calories...because of a single bad choice I didn't check out first.  That has happened twice now, but fortunately, because I logged it right after, I was able to correct the rest of the day to net below my goal.

Both of these concerns are important.  Both need immediate attention.  I am going to do my best in what is left of this week to stay on top of them, because I want this to work, and my health is important enough to make it a priority.

And in the meantime....I will do my best to post again on Saturday. :)

Reckoning, et.al.

It's been more than a week since I last posted....not acceptable if I really want to utilize this blog to it's fullest. My goal for daily posts has gone out the window, since apparently I don't have access from work any more. Bummer, as they say.

Ok, so here's a brief summary since my last post:

The day after (Saturday) was my birthday.  We spent the morning running errands with the kids and doing laundry, then Keith took me for a wonderful meal at a great little Greek restaurant we found.  Scrumptious, and a definite future option...my entire calorie count didn't go over 1000, and considering the fact that I had to skip lunch, I thought that was excellent.  My only regret was that I was forced to get off track with my C25K program, and skip running....which threw me off for the next couple of weeks completing one week during that same week.  Oh, well...

Sunday was a lazy day....and well earned.  Monday, which was a holiday, was spent gathering financial documents for the bank. (We're in the process of buying the house and property next door to us)

Tuesday, I finished week 3 of the C25K.  Thursday and Saturday, I ran the first two installments of week 4...very well, I might add.  Today being Sunday, I'll finish week 4 tomorrow.

All week long, I've been watching my calorie counts...and am very pleased with the results.  With the exception of a couple of homemade whole grain waffles, I haven't cheated at all.  And the only reason I call that "cheating" is because they weren't primal...not because I went over my count.

Friday was weigh-in, and although it was less than I'd hoped, I did manage a loss for the week, so I'll call it a success.  Baby steps are still steps, right?

This week:

• I will do my best to post at least once every other day.
• I will step up my physical activity to include SOMETHING every day, even if it's just walking during my lunch hour.
• I will start my resistance training...which I have been putting off for some unknown reason.

I'll keep it there, for now. ;-)