Resolve

The past couple of weeks have been really, really tough for me. So many things going on around me...so much activity within the family have wreaked havoc with my carefully honed schedule.  First my oldest daughter comes to visit.  I did great for the first week...stayed on track with my eating and walking, but slipped on my workout.  That put me on the downhill slide, though, and before I knew it, I was eating just a bite of this, a bite of that....skipping my walk this night, then that. It's really terrifying how quickly it can all slip out of your grasp. Before you know it....you're right back into all the old patterns.

This week, I tried to get back into my groove, but the details have eluded me for one reason or another, so I'm still battling hard.  I did manage to get a 3-mile walk in yesterday, and that did amazing things for my morale, but I really need to do some cooking for myself so that I can start packing my food and eating on schedule again.  My metabolism is suffering, and I haven't been careful about what I eat. 

This past Saturday, I held my breath and stepped on the scale to an 8 pound gain.  Not sure what I expected, but really, I think I just wanted to see how much the damage was.  Watched my food all day, and was already down by 2 lbs by Sunday morning.  That was a bit more encouraging.  Both Sunday and Monday I kept promising myself all day that I would cook some fish up for my meals, but Sunday was spent nursing a migraine, and Monday was errand day...so no cooking.

Tonight, my youngest daughter arrives, with two grands in tow.  Not for a visit....but for good.  How that will play into my goals remains to be seen, but I do know that this will set my resolve one way or another.

Interesting word, resolve.  Webster defines it this way: 

transitive verb

 

1 obsolete : dissolve, melt

 

2 a : break up, separate ; also : to change by disintegration

  b : to reduce by analysis

  c : to distinguish between or make independently visible adjacent parts of

 d : to separate (a racemic compound or mixture) into the two components

 

3 : to cause resolution of (a pathological state)

 

4 a : to deal with successfully : clear up

   b : to find an answer to

   c : to make clear or understandable

   d : to find a mathematical solution of

   e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions

 

5 : to reach a firm decision about

 

6 a : to declare or decide by a formal resolution and vote

   b : to change by resolution or formal vote

 

7 : to make (as voice parts) progress from dissonance to consonance

 

8 : to work out the resolution of (as a play)

 

intransitive verb

 

1 : to become separated into component parts; also : to become reduced by dissolving or analysis

 

2 : to form a resolution : determine

 

3 : consult, deliberate

 

4 : to progress from dissonance to consonance

 

I had always thought of it as meaning #4 or 5 above (transitive), but there are just as many meanings that have to do with breaking down, dissolving, reducing, disintegrating, separating, melting,becoming obsolete.

 

Wow. On so many levels....wow.

 

Am I referring to the breakdown of my desires...my goals...my dreams?  Or am I referring to the breakdown of all that is holding me back from achieving them?

 

I had thought I had 'solved' this issue before...oh, so many times before.  But all I keep doing is 're-solving' the same damned things....over and over and over, ad nauseum.

 

I don't ever EVER want to 're-solve' another part of this process, this journey that I have chosen.  I want to resolve it...for once and for all.

Week Seven Reckoning

 This week has been absolutely frought with challenges, and there's a part of me that really feels as though I have not risen to the challenges at all.  My oldest daughter has been visiting, and will be here for another few days, which has thrown my usual routine (or what has become my usual routine, anyway)  into a tailspin.  My regular eating has suffered, my workouts have become non-existant, not to mention my water intake, and a few no-no foods have even managed to creep back into my repertoire... something I had no intention of doing for quite some time, yet.  Still...through it all, I've managed to do enough to maintain.

I was so worried when I stepped back on the scale this morning, but was absolutely flabergasted to see that through all my screw-ups, even though I had let my body down by not doing the right thing, my body had not let ME down.  I've only gained .2 lbs this week, back up from 238.8 last week to 240.  Considering all the backsliding I did, I will take it allllll day, and say thanks in the process.

You can bet that I will be getting right back on the horse, though.  I have no intention of using Jes's visit to knock me completely back off the wagon...I have come too far.  My excuses are not going to cut it anymore, and I still have every intention of beginning to run come March 1st, regardless.  It will only make it harder on me if I slack on prepping for that by staying off the track now.  So.....back to work, it is!  Onward to next week!

Week Six Reckoning.

Well...it's been six weeks now, on this incredible journey, and I'm well on my way to my goal. I've already accomplished so much more than I had ever imagined, not in terms of weight loss (although certainly that way, too), but in the lessons I've learned and the level of understanding I've discovered about myself. It's really incredible to know that a journey of this magnitude can be taken up at any age or shape, and still be equally as incredible. And it IS the journey that is giving me so much joy this time. I have really found a joy in the process....to my great surprise.
I fought this week to hit the 20 lb. goal I had set for myself at the beginning of this journey.  As of my weigh-in last Saturday,  I had 2 1/2 lbs. to realize that goal....but to someone who is self-programmed to sabotage herself at every turn, it might as well be the distance to the moon.  
This week, despite all my struggles, I was determined to hit 240.6, if it killed me in the process.

Picture me squealing like a little girl this morning, seeing 238.8 on that scale.
21.8 lbs.?? Really??
 
Oh, my God...I can actually do this. I AM doing it....every single day.

Ups and Downs

This has been an odd week.  Can't really say it's been bad, exactly....because it hasn't.  But I can't exactly call it good, either.  Although I've pretty much stayed on track with my food, I can't say I haven't come dangerously close to wavering a few times.  I've worked really hard in those times to toughen my resolve and power through it.  I have to say, all things considered, that I'm really pretty proud of that. In the past, it's been those times when I would give in....just a bite....and then the whole thing....and then I might as well just eat what I want today....and then the day becomes the week...etc.  And it would all end up in self-loathing because I can't stick to anything, and I'm a dismal failure, and I hate my life, and I hate myself for being so damned weak.  And I would find myself for the millionth time shouting, "For the love of God, somebody stop this sickening roller coaster, already!  I. Want. To. Get. Off.  NOW."

But...see....that 'somebody' I was always talking to was me. It had to be...who else CAN do it?  And the answer to that, of course, is no one.

So....we had a big pot-luck breakfast at work yesterday.  Too many breakfast goodies to count, and the break room is still loaded down, as we speak.  Too many things to count....eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy, breakfast casserole, hashbrown casserole, blueberry biscuits with icing, donuts, muffins, two kinds of cake, even.  I brought a fruit salad (which was hardly touched among all the glorious empty caloried feast), but since I had already eaten my breakfast, I sat with my coffee, and enjoyed the company, feeling pretty powerful.  It was later that the old desires started creeping in....that need to sample, to pinch, to savor.  To not miss out on life.   I managed (thankfully) to stave off all but one pinch of dried-out blueberry biscuit yesterday, but that yearning came back with such a vengeance this morning, that I was actually chewing a huge mouthful of leftover dried-out blueberry biscuit before I even realized what I had done.  The guilt and disappointment that washed over me was almost enough to drive me to tears. I had just wrecked all my hard work....and my six-week weigh in ( and picture taking) was only two days away!!!

Then I had an epiphany.  I was in control of this. I could choose to be defeated in that moment, or I could choose to win.  It wasn't too late to salvage all my hard-won efforts....I didn't have to accept that I had put unhealthy fuel, something not good for me, into my body.  I hadn't swallowed yet! 

I wasted no time heading for the bathroom and divesting that wad of mush into a paper towel, which promptly rung the trash can for a 3-pointer.  I felt more in control in that moment, than I have all week.  I finally freaking won. And knowing that, I can fight the next battle just that much more confidently.  And I will win that one too.  It may not always be pretty....I may lose a bit of ground here and there.  But I refuse to throw in the towel on myself any more.  I deserve better than that.

As far as my workouts go....Monday was a snow day, and I never left home....so I did play hookey there.  Tuesday, I walked, and my pace starting out more than made up for Monday. I was excited to see that I had improved from an almost 19 min/mile pace to a 16 min/mile pace....that is HUGE.  I've actually run laps slower than that....although it pains me to admit it.  But it does serve to remind me just how far I've come in the past six weeks.  Unfortunately, I pulled a muscle two miles in, and had to stop. My fault...I didn't warm up properly. Lesson learned.  Wednesday went better...although slower....and I did my entire hour, but only managed a little over 3 miles.  No workout Thursday...I had to go to Knoxville after work to pick up my darling eldest daughter from the bus station....looking forward to lots of great walks with her in the next couple of weeks while she's here.  Today is a workout day...but I'm planning on sneaking in a walk before heading home this afternoon.

So....yeah....a very 'meh' week, all things considered. Great victories, lots of lessons learned, some not-so-shining moments, and a couple of triumphs mixed in.  No matter what the scale shows on Saturday morning, I will be ok with my progress this week. You see, the truth is....with all its ups and downs, this is pretty much going to be a typical week for me in the long run.  And since I'm in it for the long run, I guess I'd better just go ahead and get used to it.

Week Five Reckoning....and weekend wrap-up.

As rocky as this week started out, I think it pretty much ended up on a good note.  Friday afternoon, I worked hard to get out of work on time.  And after running the necessary (evil) errands, I scooted home, kicked everyone out, and did my Day 1 workout.  Gawd, it felt so good.  And after working so hard all week, I was more than ready to recoup with a good weigh-in on Saturday morning.  I was not disappointed....another 2.6 gone, for a total of 17.5 down, and I weighed in at 243, officially.  So...I was on a roll.

Saturday was spent on the road to go spend the day with our oldest grandsons, and I made sure to get up early and pack all my food for the day, so I wouldn't have any excuses.  I was glad I did...the weather turned horrible, and we got back much later than we'd planned.  About four hours after my last meal, I found myself needing to make a choice whether to tough it out and wait another two or three hours to get home for my last meal...or to try to stop and find something I could eat.  I chose as wisely as I could....turkey jerkey at a truck stop.  I honestly don't think I could have done much better, given the selection I had to choose from.

 Sunday morning, I slept in a bit, but got up early enough to be able to cook my protein for the next few days before we headed to town for a while.  I did not take food with me, although the weather is still bad here (icy roads), and was starving by the time we got home.  Of course, today being Superbowl Sunday, the guys had to load up on munchies for the game, and I found myself needing to sample a bite of this dip, a morsel of that wing...and finally had to force myself to stop before I had done too much damage. 

Still...sitting here, with a jar of spinach dip and a bag of Tostitos within easy reach is almost stretching me to the limits of my endurance.  They say the more you work at it, the easier it gets.  I certainly hope so, cuz this ain't fun.  I do know that I need to learn how to take a bite of 'real' food here and there without it tanking all my progress, and I feel like baby steps are the best way to get there. I will not get derailed because I ate two chips...I will not. I'm in this for the long haul...and that will last way beyond any football game.

Frustration...and forgiveness.

How many times have my frustrations gotten the better of me? Countless, I'm sure. This week has been absolutely fraught with them, mainly due to the weather, but also with time constrictions. How do I cram all this...this...stuff...into my day? Either it's errands..or weather...or stuff Keith wants me to do at the last minute. Go here...do that...pick this up...drop these off. I'm about ready to pull my hair out! And like a cherry on top of it all sits my self-inflicted anxiety and guilt that I just. can't. do. it. all.

This week's break room offerings. Again...I did not partake.

Despite my best efforts to recoup last week's failed workout attempts, I have not done it. There has simply been no time. By the time I leave work, go walk for the alloted hour, do all my errands, go pick up Keith and head home, it's been 7:30 before I could get home. Then there's dinner to get, dishes to wash, food to pack or cook for the next day, and correspondence/bills/emails to catch up on, all before my 9:00pm bedtime. IF I'm lucky, I don't get to bed too terribly late. Most nights this week, I haven't been lucky.

Which means I wake up tired and cranky, without energy, dragging, slow, hungry, weak....the list goes on. And every afternoon, I feel that frustration level shooting through the roof that I can't get home any freaking earlier. There is just no time for these workouts....not without sacrificing my walk time...and I can't do that. It's just too important to skip.

So, where does that leave me? Last week I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to make up that workout so that I could get back on track tomorrow. But considering that today is Thursday, that's just not gonna happen. The way I look at it, I have two options: either I can go postal, go on strike, go straight home, throw a fit, throw everyone out of my house and do both Day 1 AND Day 2 tonight without walking, but still feel guilty for A) not walking today and B) overworking my body, thus negating tomorrow's workout, or I can let go of the guilt and frustration, let go of my crazy, control-freak behavior, throw out all my negative self-talk and throw myself behind all the amazing accomplishments I've made this week!

• I've eaten CLEAN...and stayed completely on track.
• I've walked...every single day. And I've increased my pace without increasing my heart rate, which means I'm that much closer to being able to start running again.
• I've gotten hooked into some great apps that will help me track my progress, some of which are displayed on my page. This will help me stay accountable to myself...I do love gadgets.
• I've signed up for a February walking challenge on Endomondo! This will be my first 'official' challenge, but I'm hoping it won't be my last! I'd love to have something to work on each month...but we'll see how this one goes, first.

And most importantly...I've realized that I am not on a timetable for losing weight, getting in shape, or getting healthy. This is a lifelong path I'm on, and the only end date is my demise...in my sleep...of natural causes...at a very old age. My journey is not timed, and as long as I am creating forward motion, I'm doing well. So what if I am two weeks behind on my workouts? In the grand scheme of things, what's two weeks, when I've got a lifetime to work on me? Far more important to love myself throughout the process...and to be good and kind to myself, as well.

Are you frustrated with your routine or something else in your life? Can you forgive yourself for not being perfect...not doing things perfectly? Do yourself a favor....show yourself some mercy, let it go, and breathe.

Week Four Reckoning...and lessons learned.

So much to process from this week. So much to think about, and so many lessons learned.  This week was absolutely fraught with stumbling blocks....some I successfully navigated, and some I didn't.  What it taught me was that I am not nearly as far along in my journey as I would like to believe that I am, but at the same time, I am taking pains to notice when I am stumbling so that I can pick my feet up higher next time I see that same stone. Apparently, she can be taught.

In the past ten days, we have had not one, but two major ice events in our area.  Snow is not unusual in the Appalachian mountains...in fact, it's even welcome.  Ice is not welcome anywhere. Growing up in Atlanta, you learn that if there is snow on the ground, there is always, always ice underneath it. (Translation: do not drive on snow.  Snow = bad.)  This is why the entire city shuts down if there is an inch of snow on the ground...sometimes less.  It took me two full years of living in the mountains to get it through my head that not all snow is bad...in fact, most snow is fairly easy to navigate, if you're cautious and use your head.  So, as much as it no longer bothers me to drive in snow, it only takes one little slushie storm to make that old terror rear it's ugly, icy head.  For two Fridays in a row, now, it has succeeded in putting me off my game.  Not only did I not work out either day (which means no Day 1 workout), I also skipped a meal from leaving work early to avoid the worst of the traffic. 

Skipping meals is worse than skipping a workout for me. Seriously. Why?  Well, because my body is used to having food incoming on a regular basis...it's what keeps my metabolic fire stoked, and keeps the fat burning.  If I don't eat, it signals my body to start tamping that fire, juuuust in case there is no food forthcoming anytime soon.  When I exercise, I'm getting EXTRA fat burned....but without that fire being stoked, it is not nearly as effective.  So....I need to EAT.  Every three hours, without fail.

So, this Friday ice thing set off a chain reaction both weekends, in which I did not work out (I'll wait to do my workout tomorrow), because the 'guys were in the way' (really??).  Consequently...no workouts, either weekend.  And not being prepared food-wise made me miss several meals over the course of those weekends, as well.

But the worst?  By far, the worst of it was that I took a bite of food that was not on my plan.

This may not seem like such a big deal...not by a long shot.  But neither does taking a sip of alcohol seem like a big deal...unless you're a recovering alcoholic.  When you're trying to eat clean with the purpose of fueling your body to run more efficiently, and then you take a bite of savory, delectable roast beef....it causes a downhill slide that may mean the total destruction of your plan, and the complete derailment of all your good intentions.  Until I get to a point in this journey that I am stronger than the food I put in my mouth, I need to avoid these temptations at all costs.  It's not the bite....it's what it leads to.

In my case, that bite of crockpot roast beef turned into a bowl of roast beef (far more than the two ounces I should have eaten, IF I were even supposed to be eating it in the first place), complete with carrots and potatoes.  Then two bites of homemade soup the next night, followed by snacking on several slices of processed sandwich ham, the next day...and a meal eaten out at the mexican restaurant.  And the cold weather kept me drinking cup after cup of coffee to the severe detriment of my daily water allotment.

Those are all the negatives.  But...you see my point.  One little pebble is all it takes to create an avalanche.  But there are postives to be found in all of this, as well.  Lessons learned, if you will:

1)  Yes, I missed my workouts. BUT....I have plans to recoup at least THIS week, by adding Day 1 this afternoon, along with my regular walk, and Day 2 on Wednesday, the same way. That will allow one day between them, and then I can still start my regularly scheduled Day 1 on Friday...which will effectively put me back on track, with only one week's workout missing. Doubling up on activity is not fun. Nor is it something I want to do on a regular basis.  Or ever again, for that matter. Also, even though I didn't work out this weekend, I did manage to get some activity in both days, which I am very happy about.  Wouldn't actually call it cardio...but I MOVED.  And that counts. Toward what, I'm not sure...but it beats hell out of vegetating on the couch, eating ho-hos.

2)  Yes, I ate off my plan.  BUT I did not BINGE, and I did not SNEAK, and that is a HUGE improvement over the past.  I tried to make the healthiest choices I could, with what I had to work with.  Yes, there is room for improvement, no doubt.  But I refuse to beat myself up over it.  My crime had way more to do with not eating nearly enough on the weekends than it had to do with the quality of what I did eat.  And my choices could have easily...easily been much, much worse.  So...I have seen improvement here!

3) Yes, I didn't get all my water in.  BUT, I didn't fall back on other drinks, either...other than coffee, I mean.  And I got plenty of that.

4) Yes, I ate out, which I Am. Not. Ready. For.  On any level.  BUT, I chose carefully and tried to be responsible with my choice.  I ordered a taco salad (in the shell), sans cheese and sour cream, and used fresh salsa as my dressing. I should have asked for no beans, because they are not in my plan right now...but I didn't.  Thankfully, there weren't many in there...but I have to say that I did enjoy every mouthful...along with the soggy, bean-covered bottom of the bowl. AND, I did not cave to the temptation of eating the sides as well.  Also, I held myself to 1 (one!!!) chip, as I waited for the food, which I broke into small pieces and dipped into fresh salsa, savoring each delectable bite of its chunky goodness.  I am unbelievably proud of that!  I also drank water, while the guys partook of frosty beverages...another huge score for my willpower...which just goes to show me how far I actually have come in this journey.

Could I have done better this week? Undoubtedly.  But was it a disaster, as I would have myself believe?  Pshaw...of course not!  And the scale proved that when I stepped up on Saturday morning.  Even with all my fox paws this week, I still registered 245.6...a .4 loss, bringing my ACTUAL total loss to 15 pounds even, instead of rounded. 

Hey...a negative number is still forward progress.  And that, by God, counts.

Weekend Wrap-up

This was a weird and wonderful weekend, chock full of twists and turns, and many, many learning experiences, which I am doing my best to absorb.  After Friday's snow day, I still had a good weigh-in on Saturday, which I pretty much expected.  I am really beginning to feel a difference in my clothes.  Saturday morning, however, I had started out doing some things around the house while waiting on friends to arrive from out of town.  When I saw that time was getting close, I stopped to get my workout in, which had been pre-empted the night before, feeling pretty confident that I would be able to get my day 2 workout done on Monday, and not be off my schedule but by one day...not too bad, really.

I was into my second exercise in the set, when Keith (who was working outside frantically trying to shore up a collapsed retaining wall...all the rain, don'tcha know) came in and asked me to stop.  An emergency trip to town to pick up much-needed tools from the shop forced me to throw in the towel.  I don't feel bad on this one, because there was truly no alternative....but I did feel frustrated at being preempted two days in a row, especially knowing that I would not have an opportunity to do anything on Sunday.  This meant that I would be off my schedule by half a week, almost....truly frustrating.

So, I headed to the in-laws, armed with my food for the day, and wound up doing fairly well on food.  The homemade lasagna that everyone else had didn't even particularly bother me, and it really helped that my family seems to understand and honor what I'm doing; no one made an attempt to force a plate onto me, thank God, and seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing and why (mechanically speaking, lol). 

Sunday, I realized that I didn't have enough fish cooked for the entire day.  This was bad, but I figured I could probably find something to eat at the in-laws' without having to cook right then, so I packed up what I had, and headed out.  After a bit of shopping, my friends stopped by Dunkin Donuts to pick up some coffee, and wound up bringing back a box of donut holes, which were promptly pounced on by everyone at the house.  They went over so well, in fact, that my friends went BACK to DD and scored another large box of holes and a dozen chocolate iced, chocolate glazed, chocolate  filled, chocolate sprinkled donuts to go with it.  The good news? Didn't bother me a bit. I sat there, blissfully sipping my black coffee, thanking God that I was free of that chain...for now, at least. I'm under no illusions that the monster won't ever rear its ugly head again.  But at that point in time, all I could think of was how nauseating the smell was, and how many empty calories were being shoveled in that room. Ugh! The bad news, however, was that I had to 'settle' for some of my mother-in-law's wonderful baked ham for my protein....(honey glazed...I did my best to trim that part off, but it was still a bit sweet), and I missed my dinner.

Monday, I wound up at home, with no transportation, since the guys had both left to go to work.  And I had no protein cooked.  What was worse: I had left all my lettuce and salad veggies at the in-laws' house (I actually thought I'd left it in the car...horrors!), which effectively strangled my eating for the day.  I ended up nibbling on a smoked trout (LOADED with sodium!) and a bag of frozen brussels sprouts....and again, missing my dinner.  This morning showed the damage: almost 2 lbs up on the scale.  I know it's just water weight, and that I'll be able to flush it, no problem....but it's a hard way to learn.  I did get the rest of my day 1 workout in, though...finally.

My lessons from this weekend:

Be prepared. Always.  Keep ahead of the game with an adequately stocked fridge and an action plan.

Don't let time slip away.  Get the workout in...then do everything else...even if you think you have plenty of time.  You may not.

Never, ever,  EVER skip a meal. Ever. No matter what excuse you give yourself.

Keep away from smoked anything.

So....a resounding success?  Nope.  But you don't learn much from resounding successes...except that you're on the right track.  This weekend has taught me that I'm still in this thing, despite all the little frustrations and minor setbacks.  And even if I wound up gaining 1.8 lbs for the week...it wouldn't deter me, because I'm in this for the long haul...and that's what counts.

Week Three Reckoning

 I have to say that this week has been the toughest one yet... not in terms of cheating, or even temptation. I'm pretty strong on that, right now (although I know the day's coming when I will be tested there, it hasn't happened yet, at least). No... my week has been challenged in terms of weather.  And laziness, I think, has a lot to do with even that.  Thursday, it began to snow. Not that unusual in the mountains, granted. But this snow was wet, heavy, and sticking to the roads.  And all this on the heels of three days of driving, flood-invoking rain.  Not a good mix... and being from Atlanta, I am terrified of driving on ice. 

My usual habit in the afternoons is to either walk at work for an hour (weather permitting), or go to the mall and walk there, if the weather is bad.  I've been very proud of the fact that I haven't missed a day in the past three weeks, other than taking a much-needed rest day last weekend.  But Thursday, as I looked out my window, I knew if I didn't go directly home...I wasn't liable to get there.  So I turned tail, and drove hard, sliding all the way.  Consequently, by the time I got home, I was relieved to have gotten there, but found myself in a royal funk at the same time, because I had messed up my perfect record.  And since I had delayed my mid-afternoon snack until I got home, I wasn't hungry at all at dinner time (and no exercise had just fueled that), so I did a HUGE no-no, and skipped it because I was so tired.

 

Friday was a snow day, and I stayed home all day in my sweats, catching up on emails and odds and ends on the computer.  I ate well, even though I was home, which I'm very proud of, but yesterday was also my workout day, and I skipped it.  Yep....that's where the REAL guilt came into play.  And this is what has me worried.  You see... I had planned to wait until after my mid-afternoon snack, as per usual, to do them.  But then Irb, who was also home yesterday, came over and set up camp right in the middle of my exercise area (the only one I have at the moment).  Instead of giving him the boot, I let him.  And on top of not getting in my Day 1, I also skipped my supper.  Again.  For two nights in a row. Bad, bad, bad girl.  Honestly, I was amazed that the scale registered a four pound loss this week, and while I am very proud that it did (I'm now down to 246), I am also left wondering how much more I might have lost, had I gotten my exercise and food in that I should have. 

 

Now, I am left with trying to start over again.  I know that these weeks will come, and that I need to use them as lessons to learn acceptance, which I am severely lacking in, on BOTH ends of the spectrum.  But I also have no intention of letting this little stumbling block curtail my forward motion. I will continue as I mean to go on.  And even if I stumble, I will succeed this time.

Temptation

Chips, cookies, York Peppermint Patties...and one donut left.

There is a co-worker (actually several) who gains sadistic pleasure in bringing in goodies for the rest of us to indulge far too much in.  On Thursdays, he is in the habit of frequenting the local donut establishment, and comes into the office bearing gifts that he leaves in the breakroom.  Although I'm much more of a potato/mac and cheese girl, I do love the occasional empty calorie just as much as the next fatty.  And in the past two years that I've been here, I've indulged in far more than my fair share.  Most notably, in the bathroom.  Away from prying eyes.  Like most fatties...I prefer to scarf in private, where nobody can witness my sins but me.

The problem, of course, is that I can't hide it from me.  Nor can I hide it from the rest of the world, as the evidence resides on my hips (and thighs....and stomach....you get my drift).  They may not know it's a donut, but they know it's the result of way too many calories in/ not enough calories out.

The restart of my journey has put an end to that.  It is far more appealing to me not to put a black mark on my so-far-perfect record, than it is to scarf down an empty 500 calorie donut (which invariably leads to binging on them), and have to live with the fact that I marred my streak (probably in a HUGE way).  And I'm very, very proud of that streak.  It's got me where I am right now....three weeks away from the start line, 11+ pounds closer to my goal, and nowhere near falling off the wagon.  I feel strong this time....superman strong.  And after so many years of feeling weak and worthless, that feels pretty damned good.

So, Mr. Temptation can kiss my rapidly shrinking ass....cuz this big girl's not tempted any more.  It just ain't worth it.

Week Two Reckoning

Yesterday, I really angsted over that can of tuna. I guzzled water like it was my job, and worked out extra hard yesterday (meaning with extra concentration).  Last night, I had a nice piece of fish and two cups of fresh green beans, seasoned with no-sodium beef bouillon.  But I really, really worried about the effect that damned sodium had on my system.  I was happy with the four pound loss the scale registered yesterday morning...it showed a nice pay-off for all my hard work this week.  And, although I didn't expect to see any MORE of a loss, I was scared to death of losing any of that hard-earned ground I'd gained over the past six days.

So...it was with trepidation that I mounted the scale this morning. Imagine my shock when I read the results:  250.0.  Wow. I had to do it twice, just to make sure I'd read it right...but the second time fluctuated between 249.8 and 250 before settling on the larger number, so I took it and RAN.  OMG!!! A five pound loss!! ON WEEK TWO!!!  Holy cow.

To say that I'm proud of myself is an understatement....I'm freaking overjoyed.  In the past two weeks, I've dropped a total of 10.6 pounds....and am well on my way.

Now...I'm left with the question 'why'?  What was it that caused me to lose another pound and a half yesterday?  What did I do differently?

• Yesterday was my exercise day...I did no walking (not that amounted to anything, anyway...just the usual).
• I ate plain light tuna that wasn't low-sodium (VERY salty to my palate now, btw).
• I got in a significant amount more water than I've been drinking...and I've been doing pretty good.
• I ate a little more than usual for dinner.
• How should I say this...?  My excretory system worked very well yesterday.

Now...normally, I wouldn't even mention that last, but in all fairness, it must be noted that I have noticed a marked decline in that department in the last two weeks.  I can only contribute that to the lack of excess that I am putting into my body now. Whereas before, I was eating so much more than my body could handle (hence, multiple daily trips to the bathroom), now, my body is using what I give it for fuel, and calling on reserves, so there is much, much less to eliminate now.  Consequently, I find I am going several days in between visits.

That being said, I doubt seriously if that alone could account for a 1 1/2 pound weight loss (heaven help me!), but it certainly contributed. I think more than anything, it just offset whatever I might have gained as a result of eating the tuna.  No....I think if I'm honest, it's a mixture between drinking more water, and eating just a tad more.  Honestly, I think I may have been shorting myself of the protein for the past several days, and eating a bit more at each meal is probably a very necessary thing. I don't mean  a LOT, mind....we're only talking an ounce or so.  But that adds up. 

This week, I plan on doubling my water efforts, and adding an ounce or so of protein to my meals.  It should be interesting to see the results on the scale next Saturday.

Choices.

It seems that I'm starting to realize the choices that I'm surrounded by on a daily basis....some, very small...granted, but some also much larger.  And with that comes the realization that regardless of the choice I am faced with, I need to make it...and then OWN that choice, regardless of the outcome.  It's called responsibility, and it comes with maturity. Or so I'm told, anyway.

Last week, my big choice was whether to take advantage of the little opportunities I am given to exercise on a daily basis, or pass them up in favor of the 'easier' route...easier being a relative term, since there ain't nothin' easy about being overweight and unhealthy.  But this week, I've not really seen much in the way of a new choice, althought I've actually been on the lookout for them.  Now...by 'choice', I don't mean the 'what am I gonna wear today' kind, I actually mean one that impacts my health.  But last night, I was finally faced with one.

Last night, we had dinner with the in-laws, and I was very proud to have had the foresight to prepare my own dinner, along with the rest of my food yesterday, to take with me so that I didn't have to rely on unknowns.  I'm very glad I did; it turned out to be a very pleasant meal (although laden with all the salt, sugar, and fat that after two weeks my body is now used to doing without and doesn't miss, thank God!), and I was able to feel totally sated with my little meal, and very content that what I had done was to combat the sabotage that inevitably creeps in during times like this.  I didn't miss a thing...and was extremely happy and pleased with myself.

Back-patting over, we headed home, but it was late when we got there, and I was exhausted. Making my meals is a night-time chore, for sure, because I'm just not moving fast enough in the mornings to get 'er done. But last night, it was bad, because I was confronted with a fridge lacking in already-prepped protein to add to my meals. I'd just eaten the last piece of my pre-cooked fish at dinner, and although I had an entire package of chicken tenderloins ready to grill up, my body was waving the white flag, big time. 

Enter my choice:  Do I deny my body the rest it craves, grill up that huge package of chicken, and lose a MINIMUM of an hour's precious sleep?  Or do I settle for using my last two cans of tuna, which I've been holding for emergencies, since they are NOT low sodium...KNOWING that Saturday morning is a weigh-in day and my body's gonna freak over all that sodium that I've been fiendishly trying to flush out of my system for the past two weeks?

The tuna won out.  I was that freakin' tired.  But I made that choice CONSCIOUSLY, knowing the impact it might have on my body, and after weighing the odds, I still felt that it was the best choice for my health at that moment.  This morning, before I ate anything, I got on the scale and weighed, even though it's not actually official until tomorrow...another choice....because I want to see exactly HOW that sodium will affect my body, if at all.  The result of my weigh-in:  251.6...an impressive number that brings my total to 9 pounds so far, over the past two weeks....IF it holds...and lays to rest my fears of the dreaded Week 2 Curse.

I will not log this number into my total, I did it for comparison purposes only.  But I've been drinking water like crazy today, hoping my body doesn't decide to retain too much of the sodium...and the water that goes with it.  I'll post the results of my experiment tomorrow....but either way, up or down, it's my choice....my responsibly made choice....that got me there. And that's ok with me.

Descending.

When I moved to the mountains four years ago, I was in much better shape than I currently am, and much more active outdoors.  I did a lot of hiking and exploring in the evenings and on weekends...something I was not privy to in Atlanta...and I found that I loved it! In fact, one of the things that I'm most looking forward to is to get back to that level of fitness where I can feel comfortable venturing out again for extended (and sometimes challenging) periods of time. I truly love being in the outdoors.
But, I'm naturally a klutz, and over the years, I have come to embrace that fact.  Consequently, I am very careful about my footing when I hike, knowing that one wrong placement can send me crashing to the ground, or into the underbrush, over rocks and through trees, or worse: sliding pell-mell down a ravine...a truth I have learned the hard way more than once.  It's worse...much worse...going downhill than it is going up; I learned that lesson early on in my ramblings. Going uphill, I have much more control over where I place my feet, and can make sure I have a good purchase before I gamble placing my weight on that little tentative foothold. Going up, there is solidness in front of my face; I know exactly what I'm dealing with. I feel much more secure in my environment.
Going down is a different matter. There is nothing in front of me but air; nothing to grab onto to steady myself.  Every step I take is a potential minefield, especially if there is loose dirt or gravel involved. If my foot starts moving unexpectedly, I don't have enough of a sense of balance to right myself, or to save myself from getting hurt badly. To someone as balance-challenged as I am, it's terrifying.

This morning, I saw this status posting on my facebook feed, and it really spoke to me:

Life As The Fat Friend Blog

If you want to get from the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley, you don't jump off a cliff. You find a path and you take the arduous steps to get where you want to go.

How do you lose a large amount of weight? One small change at a time.

...and suddenly, it all clicked for me.  No wonder I had such a hard time last time I lost this weight!  I was going downhill!  That same terror that strikes my heart everytime I have to navigate a steep slope was before me again....except, not being in familiar territory, I wasn't able to recognize it.  And instead of proceeding cautiously and watching my footing, I dug my heels in, and backed away from the edge. After all...going uphill is SO much easier!

The more I think on this concept, the more profound it actually gets.  I think I will probably be chewing on this little tidbit for quite a while....I want to make sure it really, really sinks in.  It doesn't matter how long it takes for me to get down the hill...it only matters that I do, and that I am careful in the process, so I don't hurt myself. And I will make it down...as long as I watch my footing.

Weekend Wrap-up

I was really fortunate this weekend, in some respects, because the weather, although chilly, turned out to be quite nice.  Much nicer than originally anticipated, in fact.  That was a nice bonus, since we had planned to spend the day with our two oldest grandsons.  Knowing that I would be traveling, I planned accordingly (SO proud of that!) and took all my food for the day.  Since I had already done my day 1 workout on Friday night, I planned on Saturday being a free day (even though I didn't really want one), and then I would do my day 2 workout on Sunday afternoon.

As things turned out, we actually had time on our hands Saturday afternoon, and the boys suggested we go hiking on the town's river walk.  I was overjoyed, because I've been on this particular walk, and 1) it's beautiful and interesting, 2) it is perfect for what I needed...a walk on level ground), and 3) allowed me to sneak in my workout and still hang out with the boys...so I wouldn't need the 'day off' after all!  Color me happy on that, so we started off with a bang, and got an even bigger treat when we all discovered that the trail had been expanded, and was almost doubled in length. 

All in all, I got a nice hour and a half walk in, with time enough to explore cool things with the boys, too.  The bad part was that Poppy got sick and couldn't be a part of the day, but Rick and I had a great time, came back home very contented with the days activity, and armed with a plan to go back down in a month.

Sunday was pretty much spent doing odd chores, but I did get my workout in Sunday afternoon, and so for me, the weekend was a success.  I'm very happy with my progress so far, and very happy that I was able to stay on course for the entire weekend, work around whatever issues I came against without straying from my plan.  I say my plan, because it IS *MY PLAN*, not someone else's that I'm trying to adhere to.  I love that. And I love the fact that I am finally accepting that I am in control of me....not anyone else.  If I rise or fall, it's me that's calling the shots, so just like I have no one but myself to blame if I fail, I also have no one else to praise but myself when I succeed.  That is something that I can totally own.

Week One Reckoning

This is what 100 pounds of body fat looks like.  Judging by the way my body looks and feels, I tend to believe it...or maybe I don't, because it actually looks like it should be more.  Either way, it's a fairly good representation of what needs to come off my body in the long run.  I've got a long road ahead of me, but  I do know I'll get there.  As disgusting as this picture is, (it's one that my daughter was kind enough to share to my facebook page), it's also a really good wake-up call for me.  This is what I've done to my body...just from not being mindful, from not being vigilant.  And it hurts to  think that I could actually not love myself enough on some level to let this happen...to let this mass accumulate on my frame and actually have to carry it around every single day.

It's a slow process to get that way, and it will be an even slower process to get it off. Maybe not so much in my body, but most definitely in my head....because that, I believe, is where the most fat actually IS.  Regardless....I've made a start, and am happy that I am down 6.6 pounds this morning.  Some of it may be water weight, but I know that not all of it is. I'm already feeling...and seeing...changes in my body, and I also know that a lot of the weight I've lost has been replaced by muscle.  So I've probably lost more than what the scale shows.  I'll take it.  Every day, and twice on Sunday, I'll take it.  It's a great step forward, and a good feeling that I am on my way!



Opportunities

It's very obvious that I'm on a learning curve, and that I am seeing things with new eyes, because I noted something last night that I wouldn't have normally seen..a very big NSV (non-scale victory) for me!

Yesterday, it was cold, but crisply so, and the sun was warm as I went about my outer-office errands.  Going from my building to the main building requires a brisk (outside) walk of some five or so minutes, so a round trip, if not delayed, takes about ten.  As I left my office, I noticed that I automatically began pacing myself appropriately, and was mindful of my abdominal breathing as I walked (in for four steps, out for two).  That alone was cool, but it occurred to me after I dropped off my paperwork and was headed back, that I could just keep walking.  So I took the long way home, so to speak, and made a couple of laps around the lower floor of the hospital.  Now...I don't feel guilty about this one bit, because I rarely take lunches or breaks away from my desk, and yesterday was no exception.  (This, by the way, is going to stop.  It's time I started taking some much-deserved 'me' time.)  All in all, I walked a total of 25 minutes, which I was very pleased about.  Considering that I had planned on walking an hour last night after work, I looked at it as a nice little bonus to add to my log.
Before I left home, however, Keith called me with some sobering news.  Our dog Luggie had been inadvertently locked inside the house all day, and the guys weren't going to be able to get home in enough time to let him out...and we were all sure he'd be busting at the seams.  For most dogs, this wouldn't be an issue...but Luggie isn't used to that, and although he never 'goes' in the house, we were afraid to push the envelope.
All of this meant that I had to abort my plan to go to the mall, and head straight home.  I tried to roll with the punches on this, because it IS life, after all, and things like this are bound to happen. It's how you handle this stuff that defines you.  Now, the OLD me would have used this as an opportune cop-out to bypass my workout altogether.  But right now, I happen to have a perfect streak going, and I don't want a black mark to smudge it all...so I decided to take Lug with me to the elementary school down the road (it has a small track behind it) to get my walk in, after all.
Now...herein lies the problem.  For all that she's insulated like a top-of-the-line sub-zero Igloo cooler, Crackerjill was not built for cold weather.  There's a reason why I've been choosing to mall-walk right now....it's WARM.  My entire body aches, right down to the bone, when I have to stay outside for any length of time.  But I figured I'd be moving, so even if I started out cold, I'd probably be sweating by the time I hit my stride good.
So...chipping ice, I started off, Luggie in tow (or should I say that the other way around...he thinks he's a sled dog, I swear!).  But by this time, the sun had set, and it was getting dark....and the temperature was dropping by the minute.  Even bundled in my hoodie with my gloves on, I was completely numb, and my nose was running like a faucet.  After 20 minutes, I threw in the towel and went home, disgusted.
But by the time I got home and thawed out, I started to think...even though my time had not been done all in one walk, that didn't mean that I hadn't completed a good workout.  Thanks to my taking advantage of the golden opportunity I was presented yesterday morning, I had put in a good 45 minute walk...more than respectable, considering my circumstances....and far better than throwing in the towel. 
My lesson for the day?  Learning to look for more opportunities to 'bank' my workouts....just in case something unexpected comes up.  Walks don't have to be done in chunks...as long as I can put at least 20 minutes behind it, it counts!  And three of those a day equals an hour.  That adds up.  I'm thankful that I acted on my instincts, even though I didn't realize it at the time, because it helped me keep my streak going.  And believe me....I'll be looking for more opportunities just like that one....every single day.

Learning How to Pace

Throughout this process of renewing my aquaintance with Mr. Thurmond and his Six-Week Body Makeover, I have learned just how much of the program I had been taking for granted that I actually remembered correctly.  So much so that it has really shocked me.  When I started over this time, part of my commitment to myself was to make sure I refreshed on the manual so that I would catch all the little stuff I may have been missing on previous attempts. What has shocked me was not so much how much I had forgotten, but what I had remembered incorrectly!

Take, for example, yesterday.  Now, in all, yesterday was a very good day for me.  All my eating was on point ( and has been so far, in fact), and I headed to the mall to get my hour's worth of cardio in. Bear in mind that although I'm re-reading through the manual, it is an ongoing process.  In other words, I didn't want to create a stumbling block for myself by saying that 'I would start the program when I finished reading', so I started AS I started reading, beginning with the food part, which I felt was probably the most important to get down immediately.  And yes...I found lots of improvement with the food section too.  But yesterday, before I got out of the car, a little bird told me I should maybe check the cardio portion before I started.  Good thing, because I found out that my naturally fast pace (even now, at 100lbs overweight) was throwing my heart rate way over the target range for the best fat burning, thus accomplishing nothing more than burning what sugar (very little these days, thank God...but still) I had in my bloodstream OUT, and leaving me a shaky, exhausted mess, unable to complete but a portion of my allotted time.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I jumped out of the car with determination, and headed inside, beginning with my natural pace, and thinking it would probably be good, since my long legs already walk a little faster than the norm...especially for women my size.  Never would I have dreamed that I was so out of shape now that I would have to slow down to half my normal walking pace to hit my target rate.  Wow...talk about a reality check...how about a reality slap.  My heart is so overloaded right now, it's literally fighting with each step I take.  That really, really scares me.  And even more, it makes me more determined than ever to make it right.

So...I start slow.  And I check my pulse a lot.  And this time next week, I'll be a little stronger, and walk a little faster...and the week after that, a little more...until I get to the point where I CAN bypass my natural pace. Looking back, no wonder my past few attempts at getting back on the track were so horrible.  My heart's been fighting so hard, and I just slam-dunked it without giving it a chance.  Thank God I know better now.  Nothing like arming yourself with education.

By the way...by monitoring my heart rate like crazy and adjusting my stride, I was able to complete an hour with no problem. Never worked hard...never got out of breath...but I did break a sweat, and according to Michael T., I shed a lot of extra calories.  Works for me.  Think I'll do it again today. :)

7 Goals for 2013...

One of the jewels I found last year was a super inspiring blog by Mary at www.asmallloss.com. I love that she struggles, but refuses to let her struggles stop her.  She finds a way to overcome.  Hers is a work in progress....and she never ceases to inspire me. 

Today, she posted this:

The Day Zero Project (the folks behind the 101-in-1001 lists) have issued a resolution-based writing prompt: seven goals for 2013. I've decided to do two, one here for health and fitness goals, and one over at Kosher Lasagna for my pregnancy/parenting/religious goals. Here are their prompts:

 

• Learn how to... [A new skill or hobby]
• Start [Develop a habit]
• Stop [Break a habit]
• Take a vacation to... [Where would you most like to vacation to?]
• Find [What are you looking for?]
• Try [One new thing you want to try]
• Be more [A personal characteristic to improve]

So, Mary....here are MY answers:

• Learn how to run properly...at more than just a jog.
• Start shopping for clothes for myself RIGHT NOW (something I haven't done in a very long time), instead of waiting until I've lost weight...when I 'deserve' it.
• Stop using my weight (or my past) as a cop out to try new things.
• Take a vacation to Atlantic Beach, NC.  I need to see the ocean, and it's been years.
• Find the drive that I need to go the distance.
• Try day hiking the Appalachian Trail.
• Be more active, not just physically, but in every aspect of my life.

Here's to a fabulous 2013 for us both!

New Year's Eve

Three hours to go in 2012, and I'm feeling really good about where I am right now.  No, it's not the whiskey talking (although I did splurge and have a shot in honor of the occasion), it's more likely the adrenaline high of knowing that I'm on the right track.  Great eating today, getting in my workout this afternoon, and a good dinner tonight, lots of water to keep it all flowing right, coming home to an immaculate house, and knowing I have tomorrow off all spells positivity. 

I love this image that I found on facebook today....it's so symbolic of my expectations for this new year. In order to expand my comfort zone, I need to leave where I am...what I've always known... and go for it.  It's not without risks, and the odds are against me, but what I will gain if I make it is so much greater than anything I've known before....and the victory will be all mine.  All I have to do is get up the nerve to take that leap of faith.

Well....I'm leaping.  Here's to a fantastic 2013!!!

Aaaand....we're OFF!

Well, I must say today went SO much better than yesterday!  I'm very encouraged by it.  Last night, despite my best efforts, I just couldn't get in that last meal of the day.  I had gotten up too early, and consequently, my whole day was off.  Combine that with the fact that my little camper had entirely too much stuff piled everywhere (the aftermath of Christmas), and too many men in my way, and was feeling thoroughly overwhelmed.  I knew that the only way I was gonna make any headway like I WANTED to was to get that under control, QUICK. 

So, after no fifth meal and no workout yesterday, I was a bit dejected when I went to bed.

What a difference a day makes!  Keith and I both got up early, tackled the camper and gave it a thorough spring cleaning, which it desperately needed, and I was able to get all my meals AND my day 1 workout in.  On top of that, I cooked a wonderful meal for the guys, and did most of my cooking for myself for the week.  All my food is logged, all but one of my waters is down.  All that's left is a bit of kitchen cleanup, and packing my food for tomorrow, and I'll be home free for the evening....in a clean, organized environment.  I feel very empowered right now, and that's a very good feeling.  I know that tomorrow will go smoothly, as I will be prepared to meet the day (at work...boo), and also prepared to walk at the mall before heading home tomorrow night.  I feel like I can breathe....and I'm very, very happy about having such a good start. 

Getting started....again.

So, in anticipation of the big starter gunshot going off this morning, I actually went by the grocery store last night on my way home and did the shopping for all of us for the next two weeks.  Well...at least, for the guys.  It will remain to be seen just how far my rations will go.  Fish is expensive, omg!  But I'll figure it out as I go, I'm sure. 

One thing I've been very careful about this time is not taking things for granted that I remember correctly.  In my previous attempts, I guesstimated things like portion sizes and the types of fruits and veggies, etc. I needed to be using.  This time, I made sure to reread the manual (which I'm still in the process of), and invest in a food scale so I can be sure I'm eating the right amount.  Interesting to note that although I was fudging on my veggie types before, I was also not eating enough protein. 

So far today, I've done both very well, and not so hot.  In the amounts and quality of food I've eaten, I've done stellar.  I've also managed to put away almost my entire allotment of water, and will by the time I go to bed.  So I'm very pleased about that part.  I also weighed, measured, and photographed, first thing this morning, so I have all my documentation in order.  Very stoked about that, and already looking forward to my first 6-week comparison. 

On the not so hot side, however, I got up late and so I started off behind the 8-ball in terms of dividing my meals up in a time to spread them evenly across the day.  By the time I'd had my first meal, I should have been getting ready for my third....not good.  So I'm writing this at 9pm, and still have one meal to go before I go to bed. 

Tomorrow, I know will be better and more organized.  I have a lot to do, and with the guys underfoot all day today (bad weather), I wasn't able to accomplish what I'd set out to do.  Unorganization kicked my butt today, but by tomorrow afternoon, I know I'll be on track. 

I also didn't get my workout in today....but I do think I'll be ok on that, if I do day one tomorrow while the guys are gone, and since i'll be off on Tuesday, I can do day 2 then.  So I'll still get them in this week...I'll just be a day short on my walking.  Still...as long as it doesn't become a habit, I'm not going to sweat one day.  I don't want to be so rigid in my routine that it becomes a self-defeating thing.  I'm planning to go the distance this time, and so I want to be smart about my decisions.

Still feeling very jazzed right now....so much so, that I had tears of excitement on my way home last night, looking forward to this.  It just feels different in every way....and I know that my head is right.  SO excited for that!!!

Right now, it is not my plan to update daily....but I do intend to update if I feel I have something worth saying.  Guess it remains to be seen how often that will be. :)

Project Crackerjill

Ok...I am officially excited.  I mean REALLY excited.  You'd think I was going to a race or something, I'm so excited.  I have spent this entire week planning for the Big Start, which will be tomorrow, and I am literally squirming in my seat at the prospect.

What's WRONG with me?

Absolutely nothing!  In fact, it's what's right....which is that my mindset is so different right now, it's scary.  And that makes me ecstatic.

Last night, I was laying in bed, planning out the spreadsheet I will be using to log my weigh-ins, very similar to the one I used back in 2005 (which was long ago relegated to a now-defunct floppy disk), and it occurred to me that a project of this magnitude (rest assured, this IS a monumental project) deserves a name...one that would really personify my goals and expectations.  So I started thinking about what I was actually trying to accomplish, and decided that what I was really after was to unearth the healthy me that has been hidden so long inside this unhealthy shell....and that unearthing it would be very much like digging the prize out of a Crackerjack box.  Food analogy notwithstanding, that simple childhood joy of finding the prize is really what I'm referring to.  So I decided that I could find no better name to perfectly encapsulate what I'm doing. 

Henceforth, this project shall be dubbed Project Crackerjill.

Dusting the Breeks

You know, it's infuriating to fail. At anything, really.  It's even more infuriating to know that YOU, and ONLY you are the cause of your failure. That really stinks.

BUT...

If a lesson is learned from the failure, then it wasn't a failure at all.  It was a lesson learned.

That is how I choose to view this latest attempt, which faltered not long after my last post in June.  Why?  Because of my focus....I'm sure of it.  Despite what I've said, what I've written, what I've thought, my focus over the past few years has been about my physical appearance, not my health.  Starting out each time, I would be all full of piss and vinegar, but eventually...usually sooner rather than later...I would get tired of toeing the line, and decide that looking good just wasn't worth the effort it was taking to get there....not when the instant gratification of  a dozen piping-hot donuts was beckoning with promises of making me forget...even momentarily...that I was spinning completely out of control.  The one time I got my head straight on this issue, I achieved results....stellar results, I might add.  Simply put, my focus was on my health...because I was afraid that I was going to die if I didn't do something.

Back in 2003, I lost my dear husband, Bill to a massive heart attack.  He was 51.  He was also a smoker who ate like crap.  Outwardly, he seemed to be healthy enough...tall and lanky, with a ruddy complexion.  Scratch that surface, however, and he was a walking time bomb.

A year of insanity followed...mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost it completely, not just my focus, but my desire to focus.  I can't remember half of what that year contained, and I think I'll always be glad of that.  All I can remember is wanting to immerse myself in anything that would help ease the pain.  I didn't begin to surface from that until I stumbled across a letter in the fall of that year....a letter that would ultimately change my life in more ways than one.

By the end of winter, I was ready to emerge from my self-imposed hibernation.  I had spent way too many sleepless late-nights zoned out in front of infomercials, and I finally roused myself long enough to realize that if I didn't want to follow Bill into an early grave, I needed to take action NOW. In March of that year, I got busy. So driven was I at that time that my focus was like a laser beam....nothing could have shaken me from my goal of good health.  Consequently, I not only dropped 55 pounds in four months, I was more toned and in better shape than I had ever been in IN MY LIFE.

A surprise discovery of love changed all that. My focus slowly dropped from my health to my new beau (now my husband), and although I did manage to keep the weight off for almost two years, it slowly crept back on. 

Over the last seven years, I have gotten back on and off the horse so many times, I'm dizzy. I have done my best to rise and dust off my proverbial backside, every time I have fallen. But every time, it's really boiled down to the fact that I wanted to look as good as I did back then.  In reality, it ain't about the looks....it's about the feel...both internal AND external.  I. Want. To. Be. Healthy.  I want to live a very long time, and share in the magnificence of all this life has to offer with my very healthy husband.

Right now, I am in no way healthy.  I am almost back to my heaviest weight ever, and my body is exhibiting physical signs of the stress I'm forcing it to handle.  From running races two years ago, I now can't walk from my car to my office without being painfully out of breath.  My face breaks out easily, my hair is dry and brittle, my skin is dull, and I have become uncharacteristically moody. My digestive system is so wacked out, I spend a quarter of my day in the bathroom, and another quarter chewing antacids....in between meals and snacking on crap, of course.  I hate what I have done to my body, what I've allowed myself to become....but I also love myself enough to take the action necessary to avoid the inevitable result, should I elect to continue on this self-destructive path.

And so....we come to a new year.  A new chance at a new beginning.  Of course, if you are a Believer, then you are probably familiar with the biblical passage that says that His mercies are new every morning.  Following that logic, then, one could assume (and rightly so, I think) that new beginnings are possible with every sunrise. 

In my life, a new dawn is approaching.  In my mind, there is a different goal.  And in my heart....I know that this time, I will conquor, because I have learned my lesson; painfully so.  Time to once again dust off the breeks, and get busy. 

Because the alternative is unacceptable.